Why Insecure Attachment Styles Struggle At Night Time

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Everyone struggles with loneliness from time to time, but those of us with an insecure attachment style — particularly the anxious and disorganised types — are likely to find the evening more challenging than others.

Attachment styles aside, an uptick in anxiety levels at nighttime is speculated by psychologists to be partly caused by fewer distractions. With our to-do lists checked and our minds left without a stimulus, we begin

This isn’t theory, it’s science. Scientists have found that activity in our brain’s default mode network, a series of brain regions that work together to support self-directed thought (“me” — thoughts), increases when we’re not focused on a task. Our brain’s “default”, so to speak, is to start thinking about itself when it has nothing else to do.

For some, this won’t be a problem, but for those of us with insecure attachment styles, it is.

I was inspired to write it after sitting in my flat on a Saturday evening, unable to relax into my own company. I thought, “Why am I feeling this way?”. If you’ve felt similarly, this article is for you.

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Why Insecure Attachment Styles Can Lead To Night-time Discomfort and Unhealthy Coping Strategies

Insecure attachment styles, whatever the type, are hallmarked by a negative self-view. Without anything for our minds to chew on, the evenings can present a fine time for our brains to start churning over our insecurities, triggering feelings of unworthiness, loneliness, and anxiety.

I’ve lost many an hour in the evening to rumination. The night I was inspired to write this, I couldn’t relax in my own company, so I eventually just went to sleep. Better to start another day with another to-do list than sit in my discomfort.

Sleep, in this case, is my coping strategy, but for a long time, I’d just seek out others. I’d hook up with someone, or I’d chase someone who rejected me; I’d scroll dating apps for hours, or I’d party.

None of this helped.

Not in the long run.

I got hurt, I hurt others, and I was nowhere near closer to the relationships I hoped for.

Here’s the thing: if you’re unconsciously seeking someone or something out to avoid yourself, a part of you will know that is what you’re doing. You’re not approaching life with a sense of wholeness and authentic desire; it’s insecurity talking.

This doesn’t mean you can’t hook up with someone, but it’s important to know why you’re doing it.

I think winter-time, with its lack of sunlight and darker evenings, can be a potent trigger for many. Whilst others are cosying up to their loved ones, we take our aloneness to mean something is wrong.

We should all be able to enjoy our time alone. Here are some ways to manage night-time anxiety.

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Managing Nighttime Anxiety as an Insecure Person

1. Be aware of your patterns.

Simply being aware that our attachment styles are more activated in the evening is the first step. You can’t hope to change something if you don’t recognise it. Recently, I’ve been catching myself as I scroll a dating app and I ask myself, “Do I really want to be doing this?”.

Often, the answer is no.

Bring awareness to your uncomfortable thoughts, and bring awareness to the desires these thoughts manifest.

Can you sit in that space and choose differently?

2. Choose self-care over self-depreciation.

Many of our bad habits unconsciously reinforce our negative sense of self. When caught between the desire to reach for your coping strategy and the uncertainty of not knowing what else to do, think to yourself, “What could I be doing right now that is in service of myself?” and see what comes up.

This may mean being creative, exploring new hobbies or practices that nourish you. This may mean simply doing nice things for yourself: Like lighting a candle and making your space cosy, or taking a bath, or reading a nice book, or journaling.

These activities and practices often won’t bring us the instant gratification that sex, a dating app, or winning someone’s attention will.

They’re like seeds you plant that will build up over time.

3. Dismantle The Belief That Your Worth Is Tied to Someone Else’s Desire Of You

As insecure attachment styles often revolve around how we feel others see us romantically, to manage nighttime anxiety, you will need to dismantle the beliefs you have that someone must want you in order for you to feel good.

This is a journey in and of itself, but a necessary one. So long as you tie your worth to how someone else sees you, you will seek out romantic comfort when you’re alone. This doesn’t mean we stop dating people, or can’t desire a relationship, but it means we pursue romance from a space of wholeness, and not lack.

4. Embrace The Discomfort

No friendship is repaired without an uncomfortable conversation, but they’re often stronger for it.

Accept that managing your discomfort will be challenging at first, but that this is part of the process.

Thank you for reading this article.