You’re Not Bad at Taking Risks — You Were Never Shown How
Learning to leap when no one held your hand
If there’s one thing I urge you to do this year it’s to explore ways to be more yourself. This may mean taking big leaps, audacious choices, and leaving the people/places behind that are supporting an inauthentic, or “false” version of you.
With plans to do this in my own life this year, I went to the library in search of a self-help book that could help me take risks, and found “The Art of Exploration” by Levison Wood.
Wood is an Army veteran and seasoned traveler; his book aims to unravel the secrets to facing uncertainty and living a unboundaried life.
I was optimistic upon reading. However, I soon learned one of his secrets was something I never had.
Levison’s Risk-Taking Origins
Early on in the book Levison recounts a pivotal moment in his childhood where he realised the importance of taking risks. Hiking with his father, he was taken up to a short-ledge overseeing a lake and urged to jump in. He was nervous, as any young boy would be, but hand-in-hand his father urged him on.
Of course, he was fine, and with his father in the water beside him, he realised his father spoke true.
This experience was important in two ways:
It showed him that with risk comes reward.
It (and other experiences) acted a blueprint for Wood in adulthood. His fathers support and trust facilitated self-trust and self-support.
Our Childhoods As Blueprints
Our earliest childhood memories are important in teaching us how to navigate a world full of uncertainty and change.
Whilst Levison learned early that he could trust his fathers word, and in turn, himself, and that challenging fears could bring satisfaction and joy, many of us don’t have access to such memories.
Instead we have:
Memories where we turned to our parents for emotional support and were rejected, ignored or dismissed.
Memories of being told that we should fit a mould and pursue “realistic” careers over personal interests.
Memories of being told that risk taking is bad, and shouldn’t be done if we want a) financial stability, b) to fit in, or c) to be happy.
Memories of watching our parents suffer to a point where we shouldn’t bother them with our own troubles, save us adding to their stress. We learn that our thoughts, feelings, and desires are undeserving of attention, and should be set aside.
In my case, I watched my mum struggle day to day with just getting by. Her mental health challenges, her young family, and financial strife meant risk taking was modelled in the form of, for example, not paying bills to pay for necessities like food and fuel, or Christmas presents.
In environments where risk taking in the name of authentic express is avoided, our nervous system adapts and wires to keep us small, from fear of overwhelm. If we felt unsupported by our caregivers, or society at large, how where do we learn the tools to support ourselves with?
This is all to say, not all of us are like Levison — but it doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t follow our authentic paths.
Arrested Development & Reparenting For Personal Growth
Arrested development is a psychological term used to describe how trauma and adverse childhood experiences can stunt emotional or physical growth.
For those of us who received messages that we couldn’t or shouldn’t express ourselves, or that risks should be avoided, we’ll struggle to venture out of the tightly wound comfort zone we’ve learned is safe.
Some people spend their lives in a state of arrest, wound tight by their fears (to no fault, it’s difficult to break free).
But venture, we must. For us to grow, we must explore uncharted waters.
Reparenting is one such tool we can utilize to help pursue risk which is, essentially, personal growth.
Reparenting requires us to address psychic wounds that we have carried with us since childhood. We are extensions of our child-selves and the pain we experienced remain as frag. The boy who had a painting of a butterfly in pre-school because he wanted it, but was shamed by the class for not getting the masculine lion? He’s still inside me.
Had Levison’s father rejected his son’s fear up on the ledge rather than held his son’s hand and reassured him with compassion, the memory may have been different. Levison may recount his fear as something to feel shamed about, driving avoidance in future.
We can all be Levison’s father to ourselves. We’re no longer bound by the environment we grew up, even if our nervous system says so. When fear arises in the face of challenge, picture your inner child.
Say to them that you see them, and validate their emotions. Hold their hand as you make a leap. Risk doesn’t always come with reward, but the aim here is to be in partnership with yourself, rather than at odds.
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