Why Your Frustration With Suffering is Causing More Suffering
One time I slapped myself out of frustration and anger, due to the weight of the uncomfortable thoughts I was experiencing.
One time I slapped myself out of frustration and anger, due to the weight of the uncomfortable thoughts I was experiencing.
It was the only time I’d physically harmed myself in such a way and it was the physical representation of what had been going on in my mind for months at that point.
Whilst my OCD took my thought-based suffering to the extreme, all of us have suffered at one time or another due to our thoughts.
We have a thought, we believe it to mean something about who we are, and we allow it to dictate our behaviors.
One of the errors I made that significantly increased my level of pain and suffering when battling my OCD was how I used to fight it. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep, I was fighting an internal war with my thoughts that would go something like this:
I’d experience a thought that made me uncomfortable.
I’d argue the thought, going back and forth as to why “I” was right and “it” was wrong.
Only, I’d never succeed. Each time I tried to push it away, it returned, leading to more stress until I broke down in frustration.
The lesson I learned in my recovery is that arguing with your thoughts is a waste of time — and we know it is. Otherwise, we’d be ok, right?
Instead, we’re fighting invisible wars until we give up.
What wars are you fighting, unknowingly perpetuating by ruminating?
To help illustrate this, I’ll share some science:
David Wagner’s Ironic Process Theory
The ironic process theory, otherwise known as the white bear theory, highlights the difficulty we can have in pushing away uncomfortable thoughts.
David’s experiment was simple but telling: Measure how often people thought about a white bear in a 5-minute time span when one group is told they CAN think about a white bear and the other is told they CANNOT.
As you might have guessed, those who were told they couldn’t think about a white bear experienced more thoughts about the white bear than those who were told they could. If I told you not to think about a white bear right now, you probably would (and probably already have!).
His experiment showed a paradox: Trying to fight unwanted thoughts can not only keep the unwanted thoughts around but create MORE of the unwanted thoughts.
Thinking about a simple white bear might not be so problematic, but what if the white bear was anxiety-inducing? What if thinking about it made us feel shameful, sad, angry, or disgusted? We’ll likely want to resist it even more.
The ironic process theory of thought-suppression highlights how we can become trapped when trying to argue against the presence of uncomfortable thoughts.
A New Approach To Fighting Uncomfortable Thoughts and Cognitive Reprogramming
After much suffering I realised that I couldn’t keep fighting my thoughts.
It was a hopeless game.
I couldn’t agree with them, either — save me feeling like a horrible person and becoming avoidant of anything that might trigger them.
No, I had to accept them.
I had to make peace with the fact that the thoughts were there.
This became easier once I accepted that my invasive thought did not define me and that I could not control them. For whatever reason, they were there and I needed to accept them.
Once I began accepting this fact, my world began to change. It was a slow and steady process but rather than try and fight my thoughts, or listen to them, I just let them be.
This is mindfulness 101 I’m talking about. If we can just let our thoughts come and go as they choose with no judgement, you’ll notice they’ll show up less and bother you less.
The white bear is just that, a white bear — we needn’t place judgement on it for being in our mind.
If we’re feeling very brave, we can even take actions that contradict our worrisome thoughts. For example, if intimacy scares you, try stepping into it and not away. This might create more discomfort initially, but as your body and mind recognize that intimacy can be a safe space, you’ll begin reprogramming your mind and body’s response.
This is where growth occurs.
Growth is impossible when we believe our worried thoughts tell us we’re unworthy, unlovable, or afraid. We’ll stay small and confined within our avoidantly comfortable home with limiting beliefs.
So, I want you to keep this in mind while you go about your week.
Can you let your worrisome thoughts just be?
Can you do what you want, even if your thoughts tell you otherwise? Can you visualize these thoughts as an annoying TV News channel in the corner of your mind that you don’t need to listen to?
Can you notice how life still goes on when you let these thoughts be and don’t argue with them?
I’ll leave you with this quote from Eckhart Tolle, which summarizes all I’ve spoken about:
“The ego says, ‘I shouldn’t have to suffer,’ that thought makes you suffer so much more. It is a distortion of the truth, which is always paradoxical. The truth is that you need to say yes to suffering before you can transcend it.” — Eckhart Tolle.