Why You Always Fall for Unavailable Partners
A Deep Dive Into Self-Esteem, Toxic Relationships, and How We Get Stuck
One of my biggest aha! moments came in understanding the psychological underpinnings of unavailable relationships (including hot/cold dynamics, situationships, etc). It is also one of my favourite things to talk about.
Why can we feel compelled to chase after people who are walking red flags? Why can we get stuck on someone for months on end, even when there is writing on the wall that tells us it isn’t working? Why do we make up fantasies in our mind about how great things would be… if only we were chosen?
The above was my reality. I wasted so much time with my mind in the gutter on barely functioning situationships.
I learned the lesson the hard way, as many of us do.
If you’re stuck in a partially unavailable/hot & cold dynamic right now then let’s have some compassion for this. It sucks. It can hurt, but there is a way out.
In my opinion, life gets much easier when we understand why it is we do what we do. By understanding how our brains work we can give language to experiences that often leave us confused.
Which is what today’s article is all about doing.
Why is it that we can get stuck in unavailable dynamics?
Why is it that when someone is showing interest sometimes but not all the time we seem to want them more?
And why is it that only some of us fall victim to these scenarios?
This is a long article but I encourage you to read it. Psychology is complex, as is science, so I’ll explain this as best as I can in the clearest and most uncomplicated way possible.
Fundamentals: Self-Esteem and Validation
Some people seem to get stuck in unavailable dynamics more than others.
In attachment theory, these individuals tend to be those who are more anxiously inclined, something I have written about before for those who haven’t read up on attachment theory.
Regardless of your attachment style, however, I tend to see that two things are true for someone who finds themselves in unavailable dynamics:
They suffer from low self-esteem and have difficulty knowing/asking for what they need.
They believe that finding a partner will fix them.
Let’s take a closer look at these two points:
Low Self-Esteem
How we see ourselves in our own heads matters. If we are overtly critical, and judgemental, and believe the world to be a bad place where bad things always happen to us, we will feel that on an emotional level.
We’ll feel more anxious, we’ll experience more doubt, regret, and shame, just as we would if something bad happened to us that knocked us down for a while. The only difference here is that low self-esteem can be pervasive and consistent, meaning we’ll often feel all of the above. To suffer from low self-esteem is to suffer from a lack mindset.
Seeking Romantic Relationships For Relief
I’m a big believer that our brains are always looking out for us. Your brain will try and find solutions for you when you’re not feeling great, even if it leads you to trouble in the long term.
It does this via the reward system: a part of our emotional brain whose job is to create a desire in us to seek out the things we like that we know will make us feel better.
Depending on what we think will make us feel good, in times of low mood, we’ll feel an increased desire to find fixes. For some, it’s drugs, binge-scrolling TikTok, or being a workaholic, but for others, it’s relationships.
We’re all conditioned as humans to want connection but depending on what we were taught growing up, the personal value we place on them will differ.
For example, I remember growing up thinking that if I didn’t have a relationship by the time I was 20 then something must be wrong with me. This was a fundamental belief I held. I was gay and in the closet up until then, I lacked a stable sense of self, and desperately wanted someone to love me (because I didn’t feel good about myself, and believed that a relationship would be the answer).
I had good intentions but the overt value I was placing on romantic relationships led me to trouble.
There can be many reasons why we place so much value on a relationship. Gender, sex, religion; your caregiver’s relationships and how they treated you are just some examples. Whatever the reason, if we place a personal value on relationships to make us feel better our brain will seek them out if we’re feeling low.
This again is healthy to an extent. If you’re upset and you know your partner can comfort you, you’ll seek them out. What isn’t so healthy is seeking out any relationship — especially the ones which aren’t working — just so that you can be chosen and feel validated.
Looking back, I wasn’t even sure I liked the people I was chasing. They weren’t showing me qualities that deserved so much of my energy that’s for sure. Instead, I can see now that these types of relationships were triggering me, and I believed winning the other person’s affection would make me feel better.
It didn’t.
The Wrong Relationship: Why Unavailable Dynamics Drive Us Wild
With the fundamentals out the way, I’m hoping you understand the impact of low self-esteem on our psyche and why this can drive us to seek out romantic relationships.
Now, hot/cold or unavailable dynamics are hallmarked by some form of unavailability: be it emotionally or physically. Maybe the person you desire only seeks you out when they’re looking for sex. Maybe you’re dating someone but their communication between dates is awful, and you’re not sure what their intentions are. Maybe someone has flat-out told you they aren’t looking for a relationship, but a part of you is still hoping you can bring them around.
More sinisterly, maybe someone is gaslighting you, is a narcissist, or otherwise is displaying extreme fluctuations in behaviour that make you feel valued one moment and then hated the next.
Whatever the case, beneath these behaviours are what scientists call “Intermittent Reward Systems”: patterns of reward that have a level of uncertainty within them. The rewarding part of an unavailable dynamic is receiving their attention after a period where we felt like we might have lost it. We feel valued again; we feel emotionally safe. “Thank god, I’m not as unworthy as I thought I was”, we think unconsciously.
On a neurological level, intermittent rewards will increase our desire to obtain the reward as well as the reward value itself. The forbidden fruit analogy isn’t just a metaphor, it’s real. Studies in rats, for example, have shown that when sugary sucrose water is withheld and administered in an intermittent way (so that the rats don’t know when it’s coming), they’ll exhibit a greater frequency and intensity of “search behaviours”.
What does “search behaviours” look like for us in unavailable dynamics? Well, it can be obsessively checking your phone to see if they’ve texted you. It can also be speaking about that person and your situation to anyone and everyone (trauma dumping). It could also be vying for their attention in covert ways and not speaking up about what you truly want because you’re afraid you’ll turn them away (an example of poor boundaries). The aim is the same: Do what you can to win their affection, even if you self-abandon in the process.
The problem with intermittent reward dynamics is that they are inherently more addictive than consistent patterns of reward. If you are someone who has been stuck on someone unavailable before and has moved on, you’ll notice how different more secure relationships feel in comparison. Lacking the chaos that comes with unavailability, some would even call more consistent and secure relationships “boring”.
All of us are susceptible to intermittent rewards in some way. TikTok is modelled on intermittent rewards as we don’t know which video is going to come up and potentially entertain us next. We all know how addictive TikTok is.
If these relationships are inherently addictive, though, why is it that some of us end up stuck in these intermittent reward dynamics?
Low Self-Esteem and Intermittent Rewards: A Recipe For Disaster
Low self-esteem is a precursor for addiction, especially when intermittent rewards are present. Addicted gamblers report lower levels of self-esteem and place a greater value on the outcome of the game. This is important, as it shows that our perception of reward matters. Does this result (someone liking me/wanting to commit or disliking/rejecting me) mean anything about us? If it does, then there are stakes involved and a greater reward if we win (feeling worthy vs feeling unworthy).
Being stuck in a partially unavailable dynamic is like playing gambling but instead of money you’re risking your emotional health and hoping that the other saves you by giving you their attention. If they do, you feel great; valued and worthy and if not, you feel awful.
Just as an addicted gambler will make the game his world and cut corners to find ways to play (even when they know better), so can we when engaging in hot/cold dynamics.
We can’t stop thinking about them, we wonder what we’re doing, we keep our diaries free in case they want to hang out; we check their socials, we talk about them to anyone and everyone, we fantasise about winning their love… the list goes on. It’s an addictive cycle.
These relationships will excite our insecurities. If we are reliant on relationships to feel worthy we hit a problem: Our hot/cold dynamic is both our curse and saviour. We become the addict who keeps looking for a hit even though their drug of choice is harming them.
In summary, those who suffer from low self-esteem will fall victim to getting stuck in these relationships for a few reasons:
We won’t speak up early on about the type of relationship we want, therefore setting the stage for whatever the other person wants to do with us.
We’ll settle for anything because we’re afraid asking for more is “too much” and that we’ll never find anyone else if we let this one person go.
In entertaining these dynamics we’ll get into a habit of self-abandonment to maintain their interest. The more we do this, the more we’ll reinforce the relationship as something we need to feel good. A pain/reward cycle is then built around this person.
These types of relationships may be all we’ve known or seen growing up.
These dynamics — despite how uncomfortable they are — validate our internal beliefs. If we don’t believe we are worthy we’ll choose people who mirror this.
We’re afraid of intimacy and these dynamics are distractions from us having to be with someone who loves us.
We don’t know how to make ourselves feel good on our own.
Going through the same rinse-and-repeat dynamics is sometimes easier than stepping back and doing the work needed to feel good independently outside a relationship.
Final Thoughts
Detaching from addictive hot/cold dynamics is easier said than done because it requires the rewriting of what we’ve been led to believe.
Relationships can’t fix us and the energy we’re spending trying to win over someone else is just energy we could be directing towards us.
Healing means choosing peace over chaos. It means building healthier boundaries around what is ok for us and what is not. We then need to practice setting these in our relationships.
It means abstaining from relationships for some time until we feel we’re ready to date without placing too much weight on someone’s opinion of us. It means seeing red flags for what they are and taking action on them there and then.
It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it.
If you’ve made it to the end of this super-long article then thank you. I hope that my points land. If you have any questions or thoughts then feel free to let me know below!