Why Disorganised Individuals Fall Into Unhealthy Relationships
The Attachment Style Likely to Fall Into the Most Unhealthy Dynamics
The Attachment Style Likely to Fall Into the Most Unhealthy Dynamics
Disorganized individuals often find themselves stuck between two mindsets that contradict one another: “Relationships are dangerous, and I should stay away from them” and “I want to belong and connect with others”.
Because we place so much weight on how others view us, stepping out of relationships entirely isn’t an option, either.
If on our own, we’re likely to feel lonely, sad, and bored — restricted by our lack of connections and inability to entertain ourselves. The resulting discomfort then drives us to seek others, but our fear of connection stops us dead in our tracks.
Unfortunately, when disorganized individuals do find connection, the ones that stick are often toxic and unhealthy — which is interesting: Shouldn’t those of us in deep pain gravitate towards those who are loving and caring? After all, what a disorganized person really needs to heal is to experience the care and love they didn’t receive growing up.
As you’ll know if you’re a follower of attachment theory, that is the best-case scenario for anyone who is insecurely attached but is rarely the case when we are guided unaware by our patterns.
This is why disorganized individuals fall into highly unhealthy relationships:
1. A Need for Desire to Overpower Indecision
To be disorganized is to be naturally indecisive. We want one thing until it becomes available and then we don’t.
For example, just yesterday I messaged a friend of mine asking to do something and when she said she was available I wanted to back out and spend the evening alone. One moment I wanted to spend time with her but when I knew I could, I felt uncomfortable and indecisive.
Secure relationships, where two people have equal say and where intimacy is developing will push a disorganized person into avoidance as the moment they sense someone likes them they’ll feel uncomfortable, triggering their indecision:
“Do I step into this connection I know is available to me, or do I step away?”.
It’s this criping experience of fear-induced indecision which is the disorganised persons archillies heel.
But not all developing relationships give us certainty — the unhealthy ones definitely don’t.
Take for example a disorganised person meeting someone who is in some way unavailable to them. Maybe the person is hot and cold with them and isn’t straightforward with their communication or what they’re looking for.
This can result in a connection that doesn’t give the disorganized person certainty, and so their indecision is never triggered.
In this, the chase-dynamic can serve as a distraction. So long as this person is unavailable to us, we can run on our intense desire for connection without reaching a stage of available intimacy that would trigger us to run away.
2. An Affinity For Chaos
Unaware disorganized individuals are highly emotional and reactive. At my worst, I broke up with my ex several times in one afternoon.
Each time we agreed to make it work, I would freak out and have to end it, only to feel scared and alone and want to make things work again.
Had I been able to apply rationale and logic to my emotions the best thing for me to do would have been to suggest a break, and allow myself time to rest and consider my next steps, but caught in an indecisive anxiety spiral, I did whatever my emotions told me and started contradicting myself.
Emotional regulation for disorganized people is key, but it’s difficult to self-regulate when you’ve never exercised healthy self-regulation and have conflicted fears and points of view (“Being alone scares me, but being around you is also scaring me”).
Such dysregulation can lead disorganized people to seek comfort outside of themselves. We are at risk of addiction to help self-soothe and numb our pain, and if we can get addicted to the highs of substances or alcohol, we can become addicted to the highs that come with chaotic relationships.
Unhealthy relationships, those that involve mistreatment or unavailability, do a couple of things: Firstly, the victim’s agency is taken away (in this case, the disorganized persons: We can’t be indecisive if we don’t have control), and secondly, their self-worth becomes defined by how loving or not loving their partner is.
Simultaneously their partner becomes a source of harm and source of pleasure and the resulting relationship is filled with highs when the disorganised individual is validated and lows when they are not.
It’s an addictive cycle: One where the disorganised person is constantly vying for approval and gambling their self-worth. If chaos is all they’ve known in past relationships, unhealthy relationships will feel right at home.
3. The Low Self-Worth Conundrum
Relationships are like mirrors and the people we choose will often reflect back to us the way we feel about ourselves. If we choose partners who love and care for us, but we don’t believe us worthy of them, this can result in cognitive dissonance and self-sabotage.
However, there are people out there who will make others feel unworthy in order to keep them close and bolster their own self-worth (narcissists, being the clear example). Whilst a relationship with a narcissist can destroy an individual’s self-esteem, disorganized people may find a sense of familiarity in having their self-worth exploited.
Whilst a relationship with a narcissist can be deabilitating, the self-importance a narcissist parades can also mirror a disorganised individuals desire for worthiness. If they are “chosen” by a narcissist, then that must mean they themselves are important.
Their need for connection can also trump any desire to be alone. When faced with the possibility of exiting an unhealthy connection versus staying in it, a disorganized individual might choose to stay.
It takes knowing you are worthy of more to set a boundary and leave when relationships go sour. If this is all you’ve known, how can you know differently? How can you know you can get better if you’ve never ventured out of your typical patterns?
You don’t, until you try.
A Need for Peace
At some point, we need to wake up.
To live at the whim of your emotions is to live in a chaotic world where we risk allowing people to harm us, or we hurt others with contradictory behaviors and sabotage.
It takes work to heal a disorganized attachment style. Arguably it’s the hardest of all the insecure attachment styles, but it can be done.
I am a believer that diagnoses and labels should help us heal, not restrict us. If you’re reading this and see yourself in my stories, I don’t want you to worry that you’re some broken, unlovable person who has no hope of experiencing secure love. You can, and identifying our patterns is the first step to change.