Why Are You Ignoring Red Flags in Dating and Relationships?
A Guide To Figuring Out How You’re Sabotaging Your Love Life
Hello and welcome to my substack. My name is Joe Gibson and I own a blog over on Medium called Above The Middle. With over 450 scientifically-backed articles on topics relating to relationships, dating, mental health and personal development, I’m writing my way through the trials and tribulations of life - hopefully helping a couple people along the way.
I’m hoping my substack can be an extension of my continued work in the space. I’m going to be posting some of my best-known articles whilst I feel my way around this new platform. Feel free to check them out and subscribe if you’d like to connect. :)
Why Are You Ignoring Red Flags in Dating and Relationships?
Can you relate to how frustrating it is to watch a friend, or loved one ignore red flags consistently albeit the writing being clearly on the wall that their love interest can’t give them what you need?
*Raises Hand*, I can say with confidence I have been there.
Or can you relate to BEING the person whom everyone is telling is ignoring red flags? Blindly optimistic in the face of clear signals of disinterest, or unavailability?
*Raises hand again*
It’s critical we identify red flags in our environment to stop ourselves from pursuing in the face of danger. If you can relate to the experience of ignoring red flags in relationships, you probably have memories of all the times doing so didn’t work out. When we ignore red flags, we’re more likely to override our own boundaries, allow others to mistreat us, and inevitably have unmet needs. In my experience, it also doesn’t lead to the healthy relationships we want or deserve.
With that in mind, I wanted to take today’s article to talk about WHY we ignore red flags. In having an understanding of why we behave the way we do, we’re in a better position to alter those behaviors from a place of self-awareness and self-compassion.
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Red Flags Contradict Our Fantasies of How We Wish Things Were
In order for us to see red flags clearly for what they are we have to face truths about our love interest and our relationship. This can contradict our wishes for how things could be, and how we wish someone was.
For example, one way of ignoring red flags is to hype up someone’s good qualities. You may be investing in fantasies about the past or how things could be if only they chose you. In engaging with these thoughts we strengthen this person’s good qualities and minimize their faults. In this, someone can be acting cold or unavailable but we’ll hold onto hope that they’ll change through reminding ourselves how they were before.
We may also have deeply held beliefs that tell us that love is the key to our worthiness and for us to see red flags and someone’s potential disinterest, we’d then have to take action. In this, we’d have to speak up and ask for more, which puts the relationship in jeopardy — contradicting our beliefs.
Red flags are indicators that something isn’t right. If you’re feeling undervalued, insecure, or anxious and the other person is failing to give you their time of day, there’s likely a reason for this. We have to build up the courage to ask for what we want or leave the relationship entirely. Stop prioritising tepid connections.
You deserve better.
You’re Allowing Someone To Mistreat You As Much as you Mistreat Yourself
Our external relationships are always a reflection of the internal relationship we have with ourselves. For example, someone with high self-worth and healthy boundaries won’t entertain someone who is hot and cold with them because this wouldn’t align with the way they see themselves. They have standards for their relationships because they have a standard of respect for themselves.
That being said, people who are more inclined to entertain unhealthy dynamics and ignore red flags are generally the ones who have a less than favourable relationship themselves.
For example, not sticking up for your worth and asking for what you really want is self-sabotaging and hurtful act. Like telling a friend to be quiet when they share a problem with you, we’re doing the exact same thing when our intuition notices a red flag and we choose to ignore it.
If you feel as if you need more in the face of unavailability, there is a reason for this — it’s because you do. As we’re a match of people similar to us, we’ll allow others to mistreat us because on some level we feel as if we’re deserving of it. We feel that if we didn’t settle for less then we’d simply have nothing.
But in order to get what you want, you have to ask for it. You have to show up in life with the qualities you want to find in others. If you lack boundaries, then you’re only going to match with people who are okay with you not having any.
Ignoring red flags is another way of saying we don’t care enough about our well-being to take action for our self-worth. A negative cycle then begins to form in which ignoring red flags tells us we’re unworthy, we depend MORE on the relationship to make us feel worthy, meaning we’ll speak up LESS about things that could potentially jeopardise it.
In Losing Someone You Fear Being Alone
In order for us to speak up about potential red flags, we have to be ok with the risk that this other person may not agree with us or want to work on the problem and walk away.
This is a KEY reason why we don’t speak up and do entertain red flags way longer than we should.
We fear abandonment. We fear being alone. We fear what it will feel like to not have this person in our lives, even if the way they’re showing up isn’t doing us good. We’d rather hold onto the small moments where they give us something because this at least feels better than having nothing at all.
As our self-worth is likely tied to the relationship, speaking up about red flags doesn’t just put the relationship in question, it puts our whole identity in question. If we lose this person then we lose our sense of self and we lose the validation we hope to gain by finally winning their approval.
But news flash — in most cases, red flags are there for a reason and I have yet to experience a relationship in which the beginning fazes, filled with unavailable and uncertainty, have actually amounted to anything good. In most cases, we lower our self-worth in keeping the relationship alive, we teach the other person that they can do whatever they want, and they lose interest and move on. We’re then left feeling lost and angry at ourselves for not acting on our intuition that TOLD us something wasn’t right.
The Beauty Of Identifying Red Flags
Each red flag we identify is an opportunity for us to build on our self-worth. When we see something we don’t agree with we have two options; to speak up for ourselves or ignore ourselves. The former option leads to higher self-esteem and self-respect and the latter keeps us stuck in the same old pattern of self-sabotage and degradation.
As our external relationships are only reflections of the relationship with have with ourselves, in order to break free from unhealthy dynamics we have to go inwards and cultivate self-love. Cultivating self-love involves having awareness as to where we’re being unloving to ourselves and then ACTING on this awareness. In this case, it means identifying red flags in our environment and taking a stand against them.
When we speak up for ourselves we give the other person an opportunity to step up to our level, or step away. Whilst someone stepping away may be a fearful prospect for you, you need to be ok with people who are unwilling to meet your needs to leave your life. That way you can make room for the people who can do this to enter.