When Instant Sparks Risk Derailing Your Life

Let’s Talk Above Attractions Online

Let’s Talk Above Attractions Online

Photograph by Mayur Gala on Pexels

Recently, I matched with someone on a dating app that immediately caught my interest. They were physically attractive and ticked a lot boxes, and I felt immediately that anxious desire to reach out to them.

I wanted to know if they would reciprocate my interest – if they were as into me as I was them.

They weren’t a great texter, though, and weren’t showing me signs beyond a sporadic message here and there that they were truly interested (If you use dating apps, you know the kind).

That said, despite the signs that said this wasn’t going to go anywhere, my desire didn’t let up.

If anything, their unresponsiveness and aloofness only made me want their attention more, spurring me to continue conversations with double texts and follow-up questions.

If I showed them I was interested, maybe I could generate a worthwhile conversation.

Eventually, I had to have a come-to-Jesus moment and recognise that I was falling into an old trap that had caused me more harm than good in the past. This wasn’t a spark worth following, not like this.

Here’s why:

The Sparks That Wreck Our Life

Sparks like the one I described above can happen in an instant. We see something we like in someone — probably superficial if it’s on a dating app/social media — and a fire is immediately lit in us.

Maybe their social media feed is perfectly curated, with 3rd person photos that make us wonder why it is we can never look good when someone else takes a picture.

Maybe they have an admirable job, go on nice holidays, have a strong friendship group, or maybe they’re the one everyone seemingly wants — with hundreds of likes to prove it. You show a picture of them to your friends and they proclaim admiration too, reinforcing their place as someone we should definitely chase after.

The trouble with instant sparks like this is that they have less to do with the other person and much more to do with us — especially if we’re someone who suffers from low self-worth.

If you’re like me, you might look at someone you admire and compare them against yourself, leading to feelings of unworthiness. These feelings mixed in with the attraction we have — because it’s only natural for us to like people we admire or find physically attractive — create a messy cocktail of emotions in us that we feel we have to resolve.

Our resolution, we think, is getting their attention. Only pursuing relationships from this space – and ignoring yellow or red flags in the process – rarely goes well.

By pedestalling someone we don’t even know we set the stage for potentially unstable or unhealthy relationships if we aren’t careful.

You can have a crush on someone, sure, but if you’re pining after someone or ignoring red flags because you’re secretly wanting to feel better about yourself — and believe them the fix — you need to be aware of it before habits cement themselves.

Being Aware of The Spark

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t reach out to or try and strike up a conversation with someone you find attractive. That’s what dating apps are for. What’s important is to be aware of when you’re pedestaling and unconsciously devaluing yourself.

It can be disappointing when someone you find attractive reaches out to you online, likes your picture on social media, or matches with you on a dating app and it goes nowhere, but honestly, that’s a part of life online.

It happens and there’s no avoiding it.

When you suffer with low self-worth like I do it can be very hard not to take this personally. Our brain is wired to judge ourselves negatively against others.

That said, we can still catch ourselves when we’re on the verge of chasing, when that desire in us tells us to ignore the signs and keep reaching out anyway.

Remind yourself of your worth in these moments.

Remind yourself that what you see online or on social media isn’t a true reflection of the person you admire.

Tell yourself that the desire you feel may be a result of a negative comparison you’re making against them.

Tell yourself that you shouldn’t be chasing someone who is showing you inconsistencies.

Consistency is a key sign of someone’s interest, and yet we chase after those who are anything but.

When I find myself getting roped into these dynamics I take a step back and I recalibrate.

Thank you for reading this article. I appreciate your time and interest in my work!

To stay up to date, 💌You can join my substack over at — Abovethemiddle.