The Uncertainty Principle In Dating & Relationships
Sometimes we need to let go of our search for answers.
In 1927, German physicist Werner Heisenberg proposed the uncertainty principle, a fundamental concept in quantum mechanics that highlights the inability to measure the speed and location of small subatomic particles. When looking at subatomic particles, there is a level of uncertainty we need to conisder.
I won’t dive into the deeper physical reasons why this is so — because I am not a physicist and it confuses me -. I mention the uncertainty principle as it underlines a key feature of nature and life: It is fundamentally uncertain. This ranges from the subatomic world to our presence here on Earth: If you’re not religious and have a concrete existential belief system then you’ve likely thought, “Why are we here?”.
From subatomic particles to big pieces of rock floating in space, there is a lot we don’t know and a lot of uncertainty in life.
Between the big existential questions and our tiny subatomic friends, there is us (made up of subatomic particles, of course). We interact with people around us and call that connection a relationship — also wildly unpredictable, especially when dating someone new.
Which brings me to today’s article: How does uncertainty show up in dating and relationships, and why must we accept this uncertainty to have a happier, more fulfilling dating life?
Examples of Uncertainty In Relationships
Many of us get stuck in dating and relationships by trying to control the uncontrollable.
For example, when someone is unavailable, our search for certainty drives us into chase behaviours. We want to know WHY someone is ghosting us and HOW we can make them choose us. Both of these things arise from our desire to have certainty — which is understandable, as certainty can relieve the discomfort uncertainty brings.
But what if we can’t get the certainty we want?
We can’t control what other people do: they will do what they want and sometimes without our best interests at heart. It’s an unfortunate fact of life.
Similarly, a trait of individuals with anxious attachment styles is the need for reassurance from their loved ones. In Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlbry’s strange experiments that lay the groundwork for attachment theory, anxiously attached infants left by and then reunited with their caregivers become distressed and require additional comfort by their caregivers compared to infants that would later be classified as “secure”.
In some way, these infants have been taught to lack trust in their caregiver’s comfort. “Why should I believe you love me when I sometimes think you don’t?” their actions say.
A lack of trust is, therefore, a hallmark of anxious attachment. It’s in this lack of trust that we overcompensate for a need for approval. A lack of trust in relationships is a lack of certainty in someone’s love for us.
My final example is rejection sensitivity. Many of us fear rejection from the moment we meet someone new. While rejection is painful, it is a part of life, and we can’t control whether someone likes us, or not. Maybe they’ll be our forever person or maybe they won’t — but it’s how we cope with the uncertainty that matters. Do we let it drive us into chase behaviours or do we separate our worth from their judgements?
Whilst we shouldn’t put up with uncertainty, there is a lot to say about getting comfortable with it. Uncertainty, as quantum physicis shows, is a fact of life. We can’t know everything, especially when it comes to the life’s of others.
Accepting and Getting Comfortable With Uncertainty
In the past I’ve suffered badly with OCD and one of my obsessions was existentialism. I worried day and night about the meaning of life and if I felt “real” or if life was a simulation. The questions haunted me, led to dissociative symptoms and drove unhelpful compulsions that only reinforced my worries.
Healing my existential OCD came when I became comfortable with the fact that I could not know everything. For my sanity, I needed to accept that I could not know everything; I could even find the uncertainty beautiful. Some would call it optimistic nihilism but I just call it, “I’m ok with whatever life may be, and I will appreciate it regardless”.
This is a belief that I hold close to me and it’s improved my life in so many ways.
Most of the time, our need for certainty in a relationship comes from a belief that uncertainty means something bad about us.
I believed this to be true until I realised that other people have their thoughts and opinions that often don’t have anything to do with my value as a person. By researching attachment theory and childhood trauma I also accepted that this was a belief I learned in childhood and that I couldn’t let it dictate my current reality.
People can reject us, but that doesn’t mean we’re horrible unworthy people (unless we place that meaning onto rejection).
We will become control freak if we aren’t comfortable with some level of uncertainty in our lives.
We will be a validation black hole if we can’t see the love others give us and will seek constant reassurance.
We will chase unavailable people when we have a bad relationship with uncertainty, as it’s a quick fix to chase someone than do the inner work required to find comfort in uncertainty.
Uncertainty will bring anxiety and without being able to regulate it, our relationships will revolve around chaos rather than peace.
None of this absolves other people’s actions or behaviours and a need to call them out. It takes two to tango though, and sometimes someone else doesn’t want to dance, what do we do then? When we’re left with unanswered questions?
Just like how I healed from worries of existentialism, we create new beliefs around what uncertainty means to us and choose happiness above all.