The Neuroscience of Hot and Cold Relationships
What It Really Means To Be “Hooked” On Someone
Hot and cold dynamics are the dynamics in which we struggle to decipher another person’s full intentions. They’re the relationships in which love is handed out sporadically, and where words don’t align with behaviors. They’re the relationships where we’re hoping for more but are unsure whether we’re going to get it.
It baffled me for a while as to why I found myself caught in these dynamics. After all, they weren’t pleasant dynamics to be in. I was doubtful, anxious, and frustrated with the other person’s behavior whilst divided as to what their mixed signals meant. On one hand, it seemed that they were into me, but some of their other behaviors would tell me otherwise.
Amidst my worries, I’d compulsively check my phone for texts — which likely wouldn’t be seen for hours — ; I’d check their social media, I’d ramble about the situation to friends, and then drop everything for them if they called.
It felt like being hooked on a drug. My intuition would tell me that situation wasn’t a healthy one to be in, and that their behavior was likely an indicator of their lack of interest, and yet I’d still entertain it. And the highs felt so good, too. When they did eventually give me attention, all the negatives faded away. “If only they could be like this all time”, I’d think to myself, “Then it would be ok”.
If you’ve been in a situation like this yourself then I commend you and would reassure you that you are not alone. It can feel extremely challenging to untether ourselves from these dynamics, which begs the question — why are we so hooked on relationships these relationships in th first place?
Luckily, Neuroscience has the answer.
Intermittent Reward Systems: In Academia
“Reinforcement” is a term used by scientists to describe how prone we are to doing something again. For example, if I have two sweets in front of me and I eat them both; the differences in taste would be one factor in determining how “reinforced” I am to eat another one. I happen to dislike apple-tasting sweets so if one of them tastes like an apple, I’ll probably avoid the apple-looking one in the future.
Aside from taste, there are other factors that determine how likely we are to want to do something again. One of them is the pattern in which we expect something.
Think of a laboratory for a moment. There are two cages, both identical with a Rat and a lever in each. If one rat pushes the lever and receives a treat (food) and the other doesn’t, the former rat will continue to hit the lever to receive the treat. It learns that in order for it to get food, it needs to push the lever — and so it does, continuously. The other rat doesn’t get food so it doesn’t learn to press the lever — why would it? It doesn’t get anything.
This is an example of continuous reinforcement where behaviors are repeated predictably because they are/or are not being rewarded. Should the rat stop receiving food completely, it would stop pushing the lever.
Scientists then began to wonder, what would happen if they only gave the rat food when it pressed the lever sometimes and not all the time. They expected frustration and eventual disinterest but what they observed was entirely different. The rat became fixated on the lever — showing obvious signs of anxiety and pressed it way more times than it did previously.
Even more interesting, when the rats stopped receiving food altogether after experiencing this inconsistent reward pattern they still kept hitting the lever. It’s as if the unpredictable nature of the food being rewarded led them to be comfortable with the food’s absence — but still expecting more.
Why did this happen? Scientists expected disinterest and yet they got complete fixation and borderline addiction?
It turns out the intermittent reward pattern the scientists had tested on the rats was actually a more potent reinforcer than they’d previously thought. In fact, this pattern of reward behavior (getting something sometimes and not all the time) is actually a reward pattern that underlines some of our most compulsive and addictive behaviors as humans.
Intermittent Reward Systems: The Neuroscience
Dopamine exerts some of its effects on the brain in generating motivation where its release signals us to seek out something we may find rewarding — based on memory, or belief. For example, when I eat something that tastes good, dopamine will be released each time I think about or see the food in the future. Its release tells me that there is something I might find enjoyable; I then experience a desire or craving, and I buy it or eat it.
This is what happens with continuous reinforcement and with the rat experiment described above. After pressing the lever and receiving a treat a few times, the rat’s brains begin to associate the lever with food I.e, reward. Dopamine plays a role in signaling to the rat what pressing the lever will do I.e, press the lever and you’ll get a reward.
Whilst unexpected rewards only bring a reward sometimes this quality makes them more attractive. Where dopamine is concerned, numerous studies have found that dopamine is released at higher levels during these situations than if the reward is expected. Moreover, animal studies have noted that these rewards are preferred over the expected ones.
The science behind why intermittent rewards are so favored over constant rewards is complex and only partially understood. What it CAN help us explain, however, is why we’re so attracted to toxic relationships.
Intermittent Rewards and Relationships
Scientific de-tour over, when we look at the list of emotional effects (anxiety, frustration, sadness) and compulsive behaviors (text-checking, social media checking, and reassurance seeking) I listed at the start of this article, humans are not unlike the rats when it comes to intermittent rewards in relationships.
In fact, we’re pretty much the same.
Hot and cold dynamics are so addictive because they play on our mammalian brains to a degree other relationships do not. Someone may appear loving and great at first, which attaches us to them (continuous reinforcement), before pulling the rug from under us with sporadic and unpredictable behaviors. From here, we are then caught with the knowledge of what they CAN be like with the unpredictable nature of not knowing when they’re going to be like that again (intermittent reward pattern).
It’s also worth noting how self-worth plays into this. If we engage too long in these environments — where we aren’t being valued or committed to, we will suffer knocks to our self-worth. For some, these knocks can motivate them to disengage from the situation, but for others, they can become hooked. This is especially true if you are someone who uses relationships as a means to value yourself.
This pattern is the pattern that gets individuals hooked in abusive relationships with narcissists who can verbally, physically, or mentally abuse them and yet still keep the victim at the toe. It’s also the pattern that can get us hooked on less extreme but unpredictable relationships.
The Reality of Your Behaviours
It’s so important to recognize that being hooked on these dynamics means less about the person you’re fixated on and more about the pattern of behavior you’re exposed to. The person isn’t necessarily the person for you because you are infatuated with them — it’s not about them, it’s about how they’re treating you.
If someone is being inconsistent, is lacking commitment, or is downright abusing you, that person is not for you — no matter how crazy they make you feel.
The crux of all this is that stable and healthier relationships will initially feel less exciting if you’re used to hot and cold dynamics. This is because healthy relationships with secure partners will lead to consistency and less unpredictability — triggering your reward brain less. This is where you’ll often hear people say others are “boring”, or “too nice”.
It’s good to question whether the person is actually “boring” or if you are just attached to the dysfunctional highs that come with being made to feel insecure and uncertain. This is where people will often push the healthy partnerships away because it won’t “feel” as exhilarating as an unhealthy partnership — but that doesn’t mean it’s not right.
Final Thoughts
I recently read an article that said something along the lines of, “To get someone to like you, give them intermittent rewards” to which I laughed. There’s a reason why we get distance from these dynamics and then recognize the person we were interested in wasn’t close to being the person for us — and it’s because we were never that into them anyway.
When your reward center is being triggered into overdrive by unpredictable rewards it can be incredibly difficult to rationalize behaviors with logic as logic arises from other brain areas. If you’re trapped in one of these dynamics it’s incredibly important that you find distance or seek help from a 3rd party to assist you in moving on. No good comes from feeling consistently unworthy and unloved.
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