The Cost of Self-Abandoning When Dating
If there was one piece of advice I would give someone who is looking to improve their romantic relationships, it would be this:
Become aware of your habit of self-abandonment and embark on the personal growth work needed to stop doing it.
Instantly you’ll notice a difference in the people you attract and how your relationships are cultivated — and I’m writing this to convince you why.
First, a Quick Overview: What is Self-Abandonment?
When we’re being run through the mill of unfulfilling, messy relationships, it can be easy to fixate on the times things haven’t worked out and when someone has rejected us.
Only, if we looked a bit closer at how those relationships started, or progressed, we’d find that long before we were externally rejected, we were likely engaging in some type of self-abandonment.
For example, there were several times, in the throws of some unavailable situationship, that I’d turn the blinkers on when I saw red flags that told me this relationship wasn’t good for me, or headed the direction I wanted.
Rather than listen to my intuition, I’d stuff a pillow on my own face and block out the noise in the vein hope I could kid myself into thinking I could be chosen. Things rarely worked out how my fantasies said they would.
That is an example of the type of abandonment I speak of here. Here are some more:
Saying yes when you want to say no.
Avoiding conflict because you fear abandonment/rejection.
Hiding your interests and other parts of your authentic self because you fear someone might reject you for being you.
Ignoring realities and red flags in favour of make-believe fantasies.
Making choices that conflict with your values, wants and desires.
Prioritising validation over your own sense of self.
At my most self-abandoned, I was engaging with all of these at once. It was no wonder my relationships were a sh*t show. I’m still trying to untangle my habit of self-abandonment. It takes a lot of work.
Why Being Aware of Your Self-Abandonment Habit is Important
Many of us go into dating with one goal in mind: Be chosen, at any cost.
But that cost is often our own sense of self — what should be the core of who we are and how we show up.
It’s why I preach that you should lead with your authentic self as you start to date. Some people will prey on your lack of boundaries. They’ll feed on your desire to win their approval, praise them, and avoid conflict.
And whilst I do believe some relationships can be worked on and people can change, it’s much easier to suss out incompatibilities and ensure compatibility early-on.
This is done by entering the dating world with your head held high and the self-belief that regardless of if this person likes you or not, that you like yourself, and are in tune with what you’re looking for.
If you really want to find someone who is interested in you, who wants to date and pursue a relationship with you, you need to stay true to that desire.
This means having healthy boundaries and saying no when the reality of who someone is showing up as is ringing intuitive alarm bells.
It means being proud of who you are, so that the people who choose you like you for YOU and not who you’re not.
It means pursuing a desire for a relationship with a desire to be in tune with who you know you are, and not abandoning one for the other.
To do this you need to have a strong sense of who you are, and what your core gifts are. Something I’ve written about before.
The Work Is Hard
Self-abandonment doesn’t occur without a cause and low self-esteem keeps the habit alive. You’ll be amazed that when you commit to self-care and healing and begin feeling better in yourself, how your desire to self-abandon wanes.
If you truly enjoy your own company, and are happy in your own skin, you won’t want to let that go for a relationship.
You won’t want to be around disrespectful behaviour, and you won’t allow yourself to settle.
Validation isn’t needed if you can validate your own existence.
That said, the self-work required to heal identity-based wounds and trauma is hard. This year, I’ve been doing a lot of trauma-work, which has left me unsure of myself and uncomfortable.
I know this isn’t a good place for me to seek a relationship from — which is why I haven’t dated all year.
I’m not saying we need to perfect ourselves and erase all our insecurities before we date (dating will trigger us in ways being single won’t anyway), but could we wait until we at least enjoy our own company a bit more so that we don’t look for someone else to make us feel good?