Texting Someone New? Here Are 3 Warning Signs
It’s Time To Have A Serious Conversation Around Texting
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When dating, or hoping to date, texting can form an integral part of the connection-building process. With diaries busier than ever, those moments in between physical interaction can serve as important points of contact.
Or at least, this is the case for some.
If you’re an avid texter or have based your worth on someone’s responsiveness over text, texting can be a particularly stressful time in the dating process. You may place too much credence on someone’s response rate or overthink messages; reading between the lines more than you should — feeling bad as a result.
It’s important to recognize our own habits in texting before beginning to criticize someone else’s. We each have our styles, and expecting someone else to act or see texting in the same way you do, can be a recipe for needless stress at a time when dating should be effortless and fun.
I wanted to mention this as the yellow flags I mention below are very much circumstantial and should be taken without our own beliefs shading them a different color than they need to be. Remember, everything we perceive is entirely subjective.
What Are Yellow Flags?
I use the term “yellow flags” rather than “red flags” in this context as I don’t feel like the below are reasons enough to terminate any budding connection. Having boundaries is good, but having rigid expectations are surefire ways to burn connections before they’ve likely had a chance to develop. You shouldn’t be getting too worked up early on in a dating process, if you are, this is an issue in and of itself.
So throughout this article, I’d like these points to be considered as not connection killers but cautionary signs to not invest too much just yet. If you are someone who invests quickly or has codependent tendencies, these patterns could be a sign for you to take a step back and reflect on your own attachment thus far.
Connections develop, and taking some of these things as signs to back off completely could sabotage a future relationship. Not all people place texting as a must in the early stages of dating. Someone might not want to speak to you because they’re not that into you right now — and that’s okay. Some people don’t want to invest a lot of time in others after one or two meetings, so initially, don’t take the signs below too seriously but move forward with caution.
Here are 3 yellow flags when beginning to text someone new you’re hoping to date, or are in the early stages of dating.
1. A Lack of Responsiveness
If you’re feeling as if there isn’t an equal effort being put into starting and maintaining text conversations, this is a yellow flag.
Yes, someone may not be a “big texter” but it’s also likely that they don’t feel the desire to have continuous conversations with you, right now. Does this mean the relationship is worth terminating before it’s begun? No, as there can be several reasons why this is happening:
They may not be that into you right now.
They may not see texting as a big deal, or necessity, right now.
They may not have the desire to be texting anyone and may have other commitments or otherwise aren’t interested in texting.
The take home in this scenario is that for whatever reason, they’re unwilling to invest the time in texting you. This might develop over time if they’re open to, and are willing to date you, but it also may not.
Where many of us trip up with this point, and all to follow, is that we take this behavior as a sign that they must not like us and that we’re unworthy. We then take it upon ourselves to continue texting them as a means to get their attention and hopefully win their approval.
Big no.
If someone is unwilling to put the time and energy into texting there is no use in your trying to force this behavior out of them.
If you find yourself feeling a need to double text, triple text, or start new conversations when your actions aren’t being reciprocated, it’s time to back off and recalibrate yourself. Why are you pushing for a behavior that isn’t there at this time? What in their response are you searching for?
In most cases, I find it’s because a lack of responsiveness triggers anxiety pushing us into forcing conversations to feel some relief.
Take your reality for what it is and lower your expectations around this situation.
2. A Lack of Questioning
Similar to the above, when someone is failing to continue conversations — that they may have even started — , this is a yellow flag.
If someone is allowing a conversation to die, let it die. We have these huge expectations that dating has to be a continuous text-fest where day and night the conversation is continuous and never-ending.
We assume that in order for dating to be successful there has to be a continuous stream of conversation, but in this scenario, we may as well be saying, “This person needs to be texting me all the time so that I know they’re into me”. Again, it’s the belief we have about what texting means in relation to ourselves that is getting us trapped.
As a result of this belief, we then push conversations on for longer than they should and run the risk of making ourselves come across as “clingy”. Don’t we have better things to be doing than texting 24/7? I’d hope so, yet many of us don’t. It’s why we rely heavily on relationships to make us feel good in the first place.
If you’re having conversations and they’re dying out, this isn’t a sign that you need to call the connection quits. If anything, overt texting at the beginning of a potential relationship only sets the stage for one where the two of you risk enmeshment and codependency.
If a conversation dies, take it as an opportunity to go back to the things you were doing before. You shouldn’t be relying on this conversation to lift your day up, anyway and if you are, that is a sign in itself that you need to work on your own independence.
3. Less You More Sex
If you’re finding your texting seems to be the most lively when sex is brought into the mix, this is a yellow flag verging on a red flag about where the connection is headed — which is fine, depending on what you’re after.
Out of all the above, this is the one to proceed the most cautiously with. If you want to have a sexual relationship with this person, then by all means continue, but you have to be ready for the potential that this is all that person is after.
When we’re not looking for a relationship, or are not personally connected to someone, but are sexually attracted to them, we’ll readily engage in sexting over everyday chat. For whatever reason, if this is the case for you, the person you are texting is likely uninterested in developing something emotionally with you, right now.
This doesn’t mean the connection can’t continue, you can go on dates and not sleep with them, or state you’re after something more emotional — but you have to be prepared for the chance that the two of you aren’t looking for the same things.
What many of us do in this scenario is proceed anyway, with the hopes that things will develop only to be told in the future that the relationship won’t go deeper. We can then get angry or frustrated at things not planning out how we wanted them to, but may never have stated what we wanted in the first place.
Taking A Step Back
I’ve found that when we become too wrapped up in the emotions texting and dating can bring up in us, we’re more likely to make the wrong choices than the right ones. For example, double texting out of a need to feel less anxious or pursuing a sexual relationship because emotions are heightened.
In most cases, these emotionally led behaviors tend to be our downfall as we ignore rational choices that reflect our deeper core values. We also run the risk of coming across as unlike who we are and what we want.
It’s important in the development of any new connection to give it time to breathe and to remain as detached as possible until you’re given signs that the other person is truly into pursuing something substantial with you.
It’s good to remember that people unravel over time. When we can remain grounded in ourselves we give ourselves time to see someone’s intentions for what they truly are, and remain independent — which, ironically, makes us appear more attractive and desirable.
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