Stop Trying to Feel Perfect
The quiet pressure to have the “right” emotions—and how it’s holding you back
When we think of perfectionists, we think of people holding high standards in their work or relationships, but there’s a more subtle, hidden form of perfectionism we should be aware of: emotional perfectionism.
If perfectionists have high — and often unrealistic — standards, emotional perfectionists have high — and often unrealistic — standards for how they should feel.
For example, an emotional perfectionist may struggle allowing themselves to feel what they see as “bad” or “negative” emotions like fear, sadness or anger.
Should these emotions show up — as they inevitably do — they will judge themselves for having them and for the role they believe they played in their origination.
Inevitably, this self-judgement only makes things worse, creating a hostile internal world that prioritises certain emotions over others.
In a world that requires us to be in tune with the full spectrum of human emotion, it’s ineffective and will hinder your ability to feel happiness, satisfaction, and acknowledge and process your inevitable hardships.
Today, we’re talking about emotional perfectionism.
The Enemy Within
I was first introduced to the concept of emotional perfectionism by my therapist. She had noticed a pattern of harsh self-judgement on my part towards uncomfortable emotions and the situations that brought them on.
When we have a harsh inner critic who berates us for messing up or feeling a certain way, we learn to live in fear of that critic. For example, I sometimes avoid approaching situations that I know will make me uncomfortable because I fear the criticism, rather than the emotion itself.
This critic is often harsh and wild, and it knows where to hit me so it hurts, through self-judgement and self-blame. In the past, it’s led to bad bouts of OCD and depression, which have only reinforced my need to avoid myself.
There’s little acceptance or compassion for the emotions the emotional perfectionist has coded as “negative”. Secondary shame, placed onto our experience of primary emotions like fear and sadness, only leads to more discomfort - and in the case of the emotional perfectionist, more avoidance.
What materialises is a self-fulfilling prophecy laced with self-sabotage.
Hypervigilance and Self-Sabotage
It’s not every day I wake up calm and clear-headed, but today I did. I went to the gym and took a walk around town, but despite my good mood, I struggled to be present with my good feelings. Instead, I felt a sense of unease that something might come and derail my mood.
You see, a person who believes their negative emotions will derail them or threaten their safety has an amygdala (the brain’s threat-response system) that remains on high alert at all times.
Like with all perfectionists, the emotional perfectionist finds safety in their illusion of control. If they are diligent enough and on constant alert, maybe they can predict when a negative emotion might arise. Here, we can plan our avoidance or how we might ‘fix’ the situation before we even feel it.
Of course, this constant churn of thought prevents us from living in the moment, which is exactly what happened to me this morning. I sabotaged my good mood because I was too worried about a threat that wasn’t even there.
Hypervigilance Sabotages Emotional Regulation
Additionally, our chronic “background anxiety”, as I like to call hypervigilance, sabotages our ability to regulate uncomfortable emotions when they arise.
Our mind and body, exhausted by the secretion of stress hormones, will struggle to ward off threats when they do inevitably arise. This is partly why the emotional perfectionist feels helpless in the face of their negative emotions when they arise.
They’re tired.
Hypervigilance Leads to Escapism
Furthermore, the constant churn of anxious thoughts that comes with emotional perfectionism can lead us towards destructive behaviours that offer momentary relief.
For example, I say I hate drinking (because of how bad I feel after), but in the moment, it offers a needed respite from my overthinking mind. It feels good to detach, and I wonder how many of us seek out unhealthy relationships or become workaholics for this same reason.
These are just some of the ways emotional perfectionism and hypervigilance can lead to problems.
To understand emotional perfectionism and therefore manage it, we must look at its origins. Managing doesn’t come from trying to control the world around us — that is why emotional perfectionism causes problems. We must address our frayed relationship with Self.
Where it comes from
None of us comes to this Earth believing there is a right or wrong way to feel. Babies cry when they need to cry, they laugh when they’re humoured, and they seek comfort when they need it.
They are fully expressed in their human experience, and whilst we grow to understand that it isn’t appropriate to express ourselves the way we want in every situation, some of us take this to the extreme.
In my case, I learned early on that there were some emotions I should not feel, and certainly not express. Growing up, I felt my emotionality burdened my mum, who had had her own problems, and so I kept emotions like sadness and fear to myself.
Gay and in denial, I also harboured deep judgment towards emotions like sexual desire, which I still struggle with today.
Any child who tries to manage their pain alone will likely fail or develop maladaptive coping strategies as a result. Without our caregivers' help, we will struggle to rationalise and manage uncomfortable emotions. This can lead to the development of the harsh inner critic whose purpose is to suppress these emotional states.
At worst, our pain can lead to suffering in the form of mental health problems. I believe my own struggles with OCD and depression were a result of prolonged attempts at self-suppression. Eventually, the emotions couldn’t be suppressed, and they ruptured through my psyche. These experiences only reinforced my belief that I should avoid uncomfortable emotions.
The evidence was clear: I couldn’t handle them. They had overwhelmed me in the past, and there was a risk they could again.
You can see here why a child can become hypervigilant and perfectionistic in their attempts to remain emotionally stable. The inner critic uses shame and self-blame to silence difficult emotions, and a fear of oneself can trigger panic that turns small emotional turbulence into a major disruption.
It’s difficult to let an uncomfortable emotion have its moment, be felt and pass when the infrastructure of one’s mind has adapted to react so strongly towards it.
How I Manage Emotional Perfectionism
Over the years, I’ve worked hard to be more compassionate towards myself, especially during times of hardship or when I’ve made a mistake. To make a mistake isn’t a moral failing, as my emotional perfectionism would have me believe. It’s being human.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean I absolve myself of responsibility, either. Self-judgement can be healthy, but you can’t grow with a gun filled with self-criticism to your head
This is all about reorienting my relationship to your inner critic. Whilst we can paint our inner critic as bad for suppressing negative emotions, ultimately, it learns to do so to protect us. Can we acknowledge its role in keeping us safe whilst also recognising that we can choose differently now?
It’s what I try to do.
Sometimes I do fall into spirals of overthinking and rumination, propped up by self-blame and judgment. In these moments, I muster up what energy I can to get up a move.
Most problems aren’t solved in your head; intellectualisation — the idea that we can think our way out of something — is just one of the coping mechanisms we can adopt.
Get up, move around, speak with someone. Get out of your head.
Finally, I believe our perceived weaknesses can become strengths when properly harnessed. My inner critic is strong, often to a fault, but I can channel this voice and turn it outward through my advocacy work, speaking up on topics related to living authentically, mental health, and relationships.
By reorienting my relationship to our inner critic, we can harness its power in healthier, more productive ways.
Thank you for reading!
What are your thoughts?
Are you an emotional perfectionist?
Do you struggle feeling into uncomfortable emotions?
How do you view this work?
Let me know your thoughts and you can subscribe for future updates, below.