Starving a Painful Ego: Tips to De-Identify With Our Stories
3 Tips On Decreasing The Hold of Your Ego
This article is an accompanying article to a series of posts I am creating around the Ego, through the lens of Eckhart Tolle’s work. As an introduction to the topic check out the first post on Ego, here. I’ll briefly outline the core premmis of his work at the beginning of this article but recommend reading the first part for additional context (if not already aware).
Innately, human beings seem programmed to create stories about themselves. Moment to moment we experience automatic thoughts that aim to define our sense of self based on our pasts, future and their relation to our current circumstance.
For some, this can happen to detrimental effects which brings predominantly negative self-views that undermine our worth and lead to states of anxiety/low mood. Be the outcomes positive or negative, mind you, Eckhart refers to this storied-based mode of conscious-operating as that of the Ego.
For those of us stuck in pain, a path to healing is often found when we begin to recognise our over-identification with the Ego. In this, we see that there are two streams of consciousness flowing side by side: the part of us that IS the thought, and the part of us watching the thought. You may say you are unworthy, for example, and tell yourself a story that justifies that claim, but you are also watching yourself tell that story.
This gives rise to the recognition that we are also the observer of our thoughts. We are not only our Ego, but something else. Eckhart calls this the “Deeper I” in comparison to the Ego’s “Surface I”, the Deeper I opens our pathway to the state of Being.
The recognition we are not our story is crucial for healing. The observer state knows no story, it just is. When we remove our identification to story, we become present and in the moment. Noticing here our sense of being, here we are no different from everything else created in the universe, and that — whilst scary for some, as the Ego loves to identify — , it can also be liberating.
Ultimately, moving away form Ego is found through distancing from the mind-made stories of the Ego and becoming more rooted in the present.
But it’s so much easier said than done, because we’re likely in habits of compulsive thinking by the time we look for change.
In this part of the series I wanted to run through some ways I’ve strengthened my Ego and subsequently sabotaged my ability to experience peace. It’s important to know how
1. Resist Temptation To Engage In Negative Thoughts
Pain drives negative thinking. Eckhart refers this pain as the “pain-body”, something we all have from one degree or another based on our past and unique trauma. There are even collective “pain-bodies” which cover whole societies that also impact us. You only have to watch the news to feel it’s effects.
All of us experiencing deep pain are likely extremely identified with our thoughts: our Ego possessed by our pain-bodies. Until we find this work, we’ll likely be unaware of such identification — engaging freely in our mind-made stories, and following whichever route they decide to take. Living through our pain.
Eventually, however, we wake up. In most cases the pain caused by our thoughts become so unbearable that we hit a “rock-bottom” and are forced to act, save us crippling under their weight (if we haven’t already).
But noticing that you have a habit of feeding into your negative thoughts doesn’t mean you’ll stop engaging with them. As I said, it’s a habit; one we’re likely entrenched in by the time we seek change. I remember going for dinner with friends at my worst: physically in the room but lost in my mind. It was so easy to get pulled out of reality and into my thoughts. To fall into my Ego that had be overrun by a pain-body.
It takes a conscious effort to begin untangling yourself from compulsive thinking. Eckhart would say it’s an addiction, even. Task yourself in not getting caught in your thoughts and watch as you fail within the next 2 minutes.
That being said, the an Ego based in pain will consume your energy as it’s kept alive through thought. It’s down to us to stop feeding it; by disengaging with thoughts and spending time in the present moment. Whilst sounding like avoiding your problems, it’s more like getting distance from them. Your pain should be felt through and accepted, but not compounded.
If overthinking really helped us, then why are we still doing it?
If you want to remain trapped in your thoughts, then keeping engaging with them. This isn’t to say we shouldn’t think about who we are and what things mean, either, but rather than spending 80% of our waking moments out of reality in our heads, why not work to change that to 50% or 30%?
Practices like meditation can help sustain our present-moment awareness. Flow states, experienced of sustained attention on something we enjoy, are also great ways to utilise time. Eventually, less bothered by your thoughts, you’ll find the simplest of moments to be blissful experience. Some days I sit with a coffee in silence, happy I’m at peace with myself and my past.
2. Remove Sabotaging Behaviours
Just as habits of thinking keep us in states of pain, so too can particular actions.
For example, I notice a serious difference when I’ve haven’t drank alcohol in a couple of weeks vs when I do. I feel clearer and less tempted to fall into traps of overthinking and rumination. When I’m hungover it becomes harder to resist the and is often compounded by actions I’ve taken whilst being drunk that validate certain beliefs I have, leading to additional pain.
Eckhart says the pain-body requires pain in order to stay alive, and he is right. Those of us with an Ego dowsed in pain seem compelled to act in ways that only sustains such pain.
For example, individuals with avoidant attachment styles find it difficult to express their emotions based on pain they’ve experienced in the past (creating a unconscious pain-body that latches to their sense of self (Ego)).
Rather than face their pain and learn accept their authentic parts, they hide them away, resist expression, and become closed-off in close relationships. The result? Unhealthy relationships that often fail, leading to further damaging of the self (consciously or unconsciously felt).
What actions are you taking that are validating a particular story you have about yourself? What actions are you also taking that are making it harder for you to resist falling into negative thoughts?
3. Let Go Of Resistance Where Possible
I remember when I use to worked my previous lab job. It bored me to death and I could feel my whole body wanting to resist it but I knew that I wasn’t in a position to quit.
Despite my dissatisfaction, however, I made a conscious effort to not complain about where I was. Complaining is a state of resistance to what IS, and it would have made me feel worse.
Instead I practiced acceptance. It didn’t cure my pain but it at least made it bearable. I could accept where I was and what needed to be done, rather than curse the ground I walk on and then wonder why I’m not enjoying anything.
When we resist something we say NO to reality. If we’re unable to change that reality then we’re digging our heels into the ground and making matters worse.
Resistance can looking like hoping and praying something away, getting angry or frustrated at ourselves, acting impulsively in ways that soothe us momentarily but make us feel worse in the long-run, and arguing in our minds as to what is right or wrong. All of the above keep the pain alive.
In letting go of resistance we free up vital attention that can be used to find the good that the present has to offer. There may not be much, depending on your circumstance, but you’d be surprised. You’ll also be surprised at how much more energy you have when you aren’t consistently pushing up against a reality that can’t be changed. Energy that can then be used towards getting out.
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I would add something regarding to the 1st point, and that is to resist the temptation to identify with positive thoughts as well. I find it very difficult, because they are so alluring.