Shapeshifting Love

Give Them Nothing Personal, So I'm Not Affected

“Everyone that I’ve slept with
All the pairs of hands, I’m reckless
If I’m fine without it, why can’t I stop?
Everything I want speeding up my pulse
I don’t sleep, don’t dream at all
Give ’em nothing personal
So I’m not affected” — Lorde, Shapeshifter.

There was a time when I hid aspects of my life on first dates in order to reduce the risk of rejection, hoping someone would like me more.

If someone asked me what music I liked, I’d give some generic answer. So long as I kept things surface level, I didn’t need to worry about revealing anything that might push them away.

My boundary setting was nonexistent. I was the “cool guy” who was down for most things. I was afraid to express my intentions. What if they didn’t want a relationship with me? What if they weren’t looking for anything serious? What if I said something that curbed this relationship before it began?

My need to be chosen was so strong that I cared less about what was being said and more about receiving signals that I was worthy. Sex was one of the things that fed my low self-esteem. I look back and see a trail of one-night stands in which I gave myself away to people who didn’t deserve it.

There were times I didn’t want to have sex, but did it anyway.

Better to go along with it than say, “No”.

I was a shapeshifter by nurture. People-pleasing was both a means of gaining approval and a way to defend myself.

I couldn’t champion my individuality because I didn’t like myself. I’d happily trade these parts of me. I’d been ignoring myself my whole life.

If things had progressed further, only when they blew up could I look back and realise that a part of me had known it would all along.

When you play a part, eventually the facade drops and the real feelings come out.

The shapeshifter only has so much energy.

But before the shapeshifter wakes up, these experiences reinforce the shapeshifter’s ways.

They give reason to be guarded. Love is painful. We will be rejected. Better to keep shapeshifting and guard ourselves further. Become the ultimate cool guy or girl.

Short-term connections fulfil their place in offering us a high without the vulnerability. We can lose ourselves in one-night stands and not have to worry about getting caught up in feelings.

Therein lies the contradiction: We say we want love, but we aren’t willing to show up to it fully. We say we want compatibility, but can’t show the parts of us that would attract a compatible partner. We claim to want something lasting, yet we engage in flings and sext with strangers.

Strangely, the shapeshifter is both deeply emotional and emotionless.

For it hurts to be the shapeshifter. It hurts to reject yourself and fear letting others in. It hurts to give your body away when you want someone to hold your heart.

“Tonight I just want to fall”, Lorde ends the song with.

Does she want to fall in love or fall into love to escape herself? 

The shapeshifter only knows the latter.