Setting A Boundary? Watch Out For Post-Boundary Shame
Let’s Address Boundary-Related Shame, and How To Manage It
Let’s Address Boundary-Related Shame, and How To Manage It
Boundaries are a buzzword in personal growth. Everyone talks about them!
Want healthier relationships? Start setting boundaries.
Looking to improve your well-being around work? Set boundaries with your boss.
Want to stop that bad habit that’s keeping you stuck? Set boundaries with yourself.
Boundaries are important, yes, we know that. I’m not here to argue that fact. Boundaries build and reinforce our sense of self, contribute to healthier relationships, help us manage and eliminate bad habits, and overall improve our well-being.
But I see little advice on why boundary setting can be so hard.
Specifically, how shame shows up after we set boundaries, ready to put us back in the box it thinks we belong in.
So, that’s what we’re talking about today. How shame can show up when setting boundaries and why shame leads to boundary relapse, where we revoke our boundaries and fall back into bad habits with bad people, thinking our life i bad.
My Experience: An Example of Shame
A few years back I was hooking up with a guy I’d met at the CrossFit gym I was going to. It was going well until they told me over dinner that he was in an open relationship (I think my jaw must have dropped onto the plate).
And to be honest I was OK with our little set-up at first. I didn’t think I wanted anything serious so some light-hearted fun was fine until I started developing feelings. *There’s only so much sex you can have and late nights watching movies before feelings develop, I learned from that experience.
Thankfully, I’d done enough personal growth work by that time to realise I needed to bee line out of that connection ASAP! This person was unavailable to me on any level above emotionless sex, and I wasn’t about to do what I would have done previously, gaslighting myself into thinking that things might/would change. I’ve learned it is a waste of time, and precious energy.
I needed to get out, and it was time to set a boundary.
Setting the Boundary
Recognising my growing discomfort with the experience, I made peace with the fact I had to let the connection go.
Was the time I was spending with him good? It was fun, yes.
Was it worth the long-term stress and feeling like I wasn’t good enough? No.
So, ready to practice boundary-setting, I kindly let him know that it was fun getting to know him but I couldn’t continue whilst he was in an open relationship.
I didn’t give any ultimatums and I wasn’t expecting him to change, I just said how I was feeling and that I was heading out the door (and not in a roundabout “I’m saying I’m going when I’m really not” type of way).
I stood firm in my decision, until they said they would miss me and asked me to rethink.
Then the shame hit me: Was I making a mistake? Was I letting something good go? Who was I to demand something more from someone? Who was I to think I deserved or could even get more? If I cut this connection, what hope would I have of finding another?
Suddenly my commitment to setting my boundary was under fire: Would I stick to my word or would I give in? If I lowered my boundaries the connection would continue and was I OK being alone?
The Impact of Shame On Boundary Setting
Let’s first overview shame:
Shame is a primary emotion, which means its presence can lead to secondary emotions such as anxiety, disappointment, or guilt (to name a few).
A feeling of shame is visceral, targeting who we believe we are as a person. Shame makes us think, “I am bad” vs guilt, “I did bad”.
When we hold deep-rooted shame due to trauma, shame can become toxic. It infiltrates the very nature of our being: We don’t only think we’re bad, we believe we are bad. As feelings drive actions, we then act in accordance with the same — which often leads to self-fulfilling prophecies that reinforce the shame. “I am bad, therefore I’ll date people who hurt me and validate this belief”.
Shame impacts boundary-setting because of its impact on self-esteem. If we feel inherently bad or unworthy, we’ll struggle to stick up for ourselves and experience anxiety when we try and set boundaries. It’s a negative feedback loop.
As toxic shame infiltrates our sense of self, and subsequently how we navigate life, shame can show up before and after we set a boundary. For example, we might experience anxiety when we know we need to speak up for ourselves. Even if we successfully manage shame before setting a boundary, this doesn’t mean we won’t experience shame after.
In my case, it was only when I removed myself from the connection that my mind was free enough to think — and thinking for me always led me to some shame-induced spiral. It was my brains default at the time.
So, we need to be aware of where shame is showing up in a post-boundary setting.
After setting a boundary:
Do you start doubting your decision?
Do you believe you’ve done something wrong, and have “missed out” or “slighted” yourself by setting the boundary?
Are you experiencing anxiety that is rooted in feelings of unworthiness?
Do you want to revoke a boundary because you truly believe the boundary was unnecessary or are you trying to avoid uncomfortable emotions?
If so, you might be battling post-boundary shame.
Managing Post-Boundary Shame
Despite the feelings of shame that came up for me after setting the boundary, I stuck to my guns and held strong.
I did this because I’ve built enough awareness to realise, 1), shame can distort my thinking and, 2), I’ve been down this path before, revoking boundaries only to step right back in harm’s way.
When shame strikes, it’s important for us to remember the big picture: Shame and the accompanying anxiety will magnify the problem at hand. If we spend too long focusing and feeding into shameful thoughts, we risk being overrun by them. Then, out of desperation, we will retract our boundary and retreat back to safety, where our shame thinks we belong.
Remember this when setting a boundary: If you are someone who struggles with shame and low self-worth, at first you will experience post-boundary shame — because it’s not what you’re used to.
You’ll be used to not having boundaries.
You’ll be used to trying to set them and then falling back.
In some annoying way, it’s what’s comfortable for you. I had to reconcile with the fact I’d actually gotten used to feeling bad and unworthy. It was all I knew.
So, stick to your guns. Shame, like any emotion, is triggered and will come and go. I’ve found that when I sit with my shame and let it pass, I see clearer and can even feel empowered:
“Wow, I did something good for myself”, I think.
“I didn’t let shame hold me back”.
This is how we build self-worth. You might reflect and think it better to lower the boundary — and that’s ok, but make sure you’re not making this decision off the back of a shame spiral. Let the action sit and reflect on it for a few days or weeks, even.
Many of us have difficulty sitting with uncomfortable emotions and feel we need to act impulsively to resolve them — but is that always the best thing to do? Rarely, I’ve found.
Finally, shame can be triggered after setting a boundary when we receive pushback. Someone might challenge us and even claim we’re being “harsh” or doing the wrong thing — which plays right into our core belief that says we are bad.
Here, it’s important to remember what boundaries are for: In the words of Brené Brown, boundaries are “What’s okay and what’s not okay”.
There’s no shame in having needs. There’s no shame in setting reasonable standards for your relationship or work life. There’s no shame in being human and there’s no shame in wanting more when you’re recieving less.
Thank you for taking the time to read this article! My name is Joe and I write about relationships & personal growth. To keep up to date with my articles, YouTube videos and my daily ramblings, subscribe here.
There’s no shame in having needs. There’s no shame in setting reasonable standards for your relationship or work-life. There’s no shame in being human.