Neediness: Are You Expecting Too Much From Your Partner?
I received a response from a previous reader in relation to an article I wrote on codependency that peaked my interest. I wrote in the article how our partners unavailability can spark us into believing we are more attracted to them than we truly are; motivating “chase” behaviors that reinforce negative beliefs.
But what if our partner is available? What if they are giving and loving and yet we still find ourselves feeling dependent or wanting more?
As the word codependency suggests, it takes two to tango and it’s important to recognize where we may be expecting more than we should in regards to our relationships. Taking responsibility is a key part of growth and this is by no means excusing someone else’s behavior, but more understanding that we also have parts to play in the relationships we co-create. This is certainly the case where codependency is concerned.
Am I Too Needy?
I was recently listening to a brilliant podcast on the subject of “neediness” and an important note to kickstart this article would be this: You are not needy; if you have needs they are valid. Where many of us go wrong, however, is how we sub-contract these needs to other people.
I believe this is one of the key reasons for our dependency on others — particularly romantic relationships.
When we are unable to feel happy, fulfilled, and satisfied in ourselves our next best option is to seek that in others. The reality is, however, no one can meet all of our needs — certainly those that involve self-worth and other insecurities. We must feel whole in ourselves save expecting others to complete us.
So the answer to the question is this: You are not too needy, you’re just might be falling short of meeting your own needs yourself.
Bringing Awareness Into Our Relationships
Overt neediness can be a deterrent to potential partners, a deal-breaker for others, or perfect for equally dependent people. In all cases, the outcomes aren’t good. We may self-abandon in an aim to get what we crave, we get rejected, or we find ourselves in smothering relationships than harbor resentment and codependency. Not good.
Relationships naturally change and whilst at the beginning we can expect the dynamic to be quite “needy” this will likely change as the two of you move out of the so called “honeymoon” phase. For some, this can create anxiety. Is my partner still into me? Why aren’t we having sex as often as we use too? We use to spend 4 nights a week together and now they’re seeing friends on a Friday, what gives?.
This change in dynamic can unveil a deeper-routed issue within us around our capabilities in taking care of ourselves. In fact, the distance that has now come up in your relationship is merely your partner investing more time in their independent life after placing it second to the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact, it’s entirely healthy.
The real issue is in the fact you are unable to do the same.
An Old Story Reborn
Unless you are caught up in a very unhealthy dynamic with a narcissist or avoidantly attached individual, it’s likely your neediness was an issue prior to the relationship and that it didn’t show up overnight.
There can be a myriad of reasons as to why we are unable to satisfy ourselves ranging from a low self-worth, an unfulfilling life, limiting beliefs around how love should look, or childhood experiences — to name a few.
In science, one study found a correlation between depressive symptoms and neediness whilst another showed a link between neediness, low views of self and depression. Both of these align with what I spoke of earlier: The tendency for us to search outwards when we don’t feel good in ourselves.
Whatever our story may be, it can be easy to turn the blame others rather than face the truths we hold about us. To claim our partner’s aren’t pulling their weight, aren’t tending to our needs, or “have changed” when in fact it is us and our unrealistic expectations that are the core issue.
Taking Responsibility
We must bring awareness into our relationship and view it objectively — out of the lens of our own limiting beliefs. This can be difficult to do but being open and honest with your partner, and yourself, is a good place to start. Again, we can’t expect someone to meet all of our needs so its important to recognize where we may be falling short tending to our own.
If you’re annoyed that they’re seeing friends, are you making time for yours? If you’re afraid of betrayal is there actual reason to be afraid? Are you distrusting of their reassurance that the relationship is stable and fine? Do you insist on spending lots of time with them and experience anxiety when you don’t? Do you over-analyze texting habits weighing up if certain texts point to disinterest or not?
In love there is always a risk that someone may lose interest but this is something you can not control. What you can control is what your relationship to self looks like. Inevitably, as long as this is healthy, even if rejection comes, it may hurt but at least you know you can look after yourself.
From firsthand experience, the best thing I did to treat my dependency was building a life that I loved which I could turn to when I felt discomfort internally. Of course, your partner should be a source of comfort but it should never be relied on permanently.
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