Battling Fears of Self-Expression
I battle with my fear of self-expression daily and it’s a battle I often lose.
When weighing up the prospect of being myself versus playing small, the risk seems too great — or so my anxiety says.
Better to just resign to my usual closed-off and aloof self, I decide. People might even notice I’m holding back (if I don’t remove myself from the social situation entirely), or find me overtly compliant or nice or passive-aggressive (if I’m angry, upset, or frustrated, and people-pleasing through gritted teeth and a physical cold shoulder).
Whilst there’s comfort in safety for a moment, it leaves me dissatisfied and unfulfilled. I believe having agency over what we can or can’t do is powerful, and I often feel hopeless when my fears win.
To help illustrate this mental war, I’ll use an example from one of my battles yesterday.
The Example
As you read on you might wonder I worry about something so small, but that’s not how trauma works. Whilst I can recognise with logic that I shouldn’t worry about these things, my emotions tell me otherwise.
So, let’s get into it. I love music; it’s one of my passions, and on Friday night Lady Gaga performed one of the best festival sets of all time in her headlining position at Coachella(!).
After I watched it I wanted to share my thoughts on Instagram so took a selfie with my morning coffee and captioned it with, “Morning Coffee thinking about that Lady Gaga performance at Coachella”.
I wanted to share my love of the performance and engage with others who might have thought similarly. Nothing wrong with that of course, but you wouldn’t have thought that if you were inside my mind at the time: You’d have thought I was about to post a nude to my followers or make an absurd and controversial comment that would guarantee a harsh backlash.
I was just wanting to express myself, and that is exactly why I couldn’t.
Inside My Mind: Thoughts and Feelings
As I went to post, I was inundated with an array of thoughts that analysed how I looked, how I should look, what people might think of the caption; if people would find me attractive and if my crush would think “He likes Lady Gaga? Ew”, and so on…
These thoughts were accompanied by a range of emotions: Fear, at the imagined outcomes I was thinking of, anger and frustration at the predicament, and shame, as I condemed myself for being like this.
After 20 minutes of trying to fight, I gave up. I pressed delete and resigned to not expressing myself.
How A Fear of Expression Impacts Us
Usually, I’d dissociate from the shame that I couldn’t do what I wanted to do and find something to distract me as if it never happened until it happened again.
Now that I’m writing and thinking through the experience, it frustrates me that I can’t overcome these micro-challenges. If I struggle with THIS, what hope do I have elsewhere when the problems are larger, the consequences higher, and the feelings stronger?
It also makes me sad: Can’t I just be myself? Why is it so difficult? Am I really asking for too much? I don’t think I am.
I don’t want to have to hide away from the world to feel like I can’t be myself. While the example I gave was a small one, on a wider scale this fear stops me from connecting with others and building real friendships, it stops me from forming intimate relationships, and it stops me from following my authentic desires.
Who are we if we can only be ourselves in the confines of our own safe space with no one to see? It’s not that I want others to see me and praise me: I want to connect with them on a genuine, authentic level.
I want to be myself when I’m alone and when I’m around others.
My Life’s Challenge and Mission
I struggle with this a lot, but I see it as my life’s mission to break the walls around my psyche that stop me from being myself.
I know with therapy, with small steps, and with patience, compassion, and time that I can do it — which is why I’m such an advocate for writing.
It’s one of the few places I feel I can truly be myself.
The aim would be to find comfort in doing this elsewhere. I want to open up to others, I want to be able to use my social media as a vessel for authenticity where I can share my REAL thoughts and genuine interests. I want to follow my authentic career aspirations, and I want to love someone and feel comfortable with them loving me back.
The road is long, I know and it won’t be easy — but I have faith!