Is Your Need for Healthier Relationships Selfish?
Your Intentions Matter: Why An Individualistic Mindset Keeps Us Stuck When Pursuing Secure Relationships
Mental health challenges can make us inadvertently selfish. Psychologists call it self-absorption, though not in the “I’m great and better than everyone else” kind of narcissism we tend to associate it with.
To be absorbed is to be preoccupied with oneself, which can be skewed both positively and negatively in tone. When we’re consistently consumed by our fears, regrets, and shortcomings, we risk becoming self-absorbed by virtue of habit.
When pursuing personal growth, it can be easy then to have one singular goal in mind:
“I need to get better”, and “I need to be happier”, or further, “I need to get better so that I can have the great relationship that I want”, or “I need to improve myself so that I can do well at my job”.
I wanted to talk today about why the above statements are valid, but are also limiting.
We should include others in our intention to improve, not to benefit ourselves or our goals, but to help them, too.
Balancing A Desire To Feel Better For Ourselves And Others, Despite Past Pain
I was inspired to talk about this after reflecting on when I used to use the Headspace app for guided meditation sessions.
Deep in the throes of obsessive-compulsive disorder and depressive thoughts, I needed to get better. That was my main intention, and it was a very me-focused one. Being inside my mind was hell at the time.
That said, it took me aback when the guide would start the sessions by saying our intentions should be to feel better in ourselves and to benefit others who are in our presence.
A part of me wanted to recoil when I heard the latter: others had hurt me, why should I want to improve THEIR life when I’m sitting here alone, doing this work alone?
A part of me even wanted to get better to spite them. It was a motivating thought to have: to think someone else might regret ever rejecting me when they saw how great I’d become.
It fed my wounded Ego.
When we experience hurt, this stance can be a natural mindset to have. It may be necessary, too, to help distance you from others or situations that have caused you harm. It’s OK to step away and work on yourself, and anger towards others will help you do that.
That said, I see people who do this individual work on themselves, but then find themselves stuck. They isolate themselves within their safe spaces, but harbour grudges and unresolved pain over others, barring them from healthy connections.
This is why I say embarking on a growth journey for yourself, and only yourself, will only get you so far.
You Should Want to Be Better For The Sake Of Your Relationships
A few years back, my goal was to improve my relationships and stop dating unavailable people. I wanted it because I’d suffered at the hands of my bad dating habits in the past, and things were clearly not working out — a valid reason to want to change.
That said, my singular goal was to find someone I liked who liked me — maybe then I’d have the lasting relationship I’d always wanted. This sounded like a reasonable goal until I found a person who could give me that, and then I sabotaged it, and we broke up.
In the relationship, I was always thinking about how I felt, and with a history of handling my problems alone, I struggled to let my partner in. When challenges arose, I became avoidant and moody, in other words, self-absorbed.
On the flipside, I struggled to meet them at their pain. A part of me felt they should have it all figured out: They had their work, and I had mine. This was an underlying belief I was leading with as a result of the individualistic approach I had to growth, and it bred annoyance and frustration towards my partner.
If your goal is to improve your relationships, you should strive to improve yourself for yourself and for your eventual partner. You are deserving of care and love, but so are they.
I can understand the difficulty you might have in resonating with this if others have hurt you in the past. You may require time alone to work on yourself and not consider others; that’s fine, but I feel there comes a point when we need to step out of the shadows and bring what we’ve learned into new relationships with the benefit of others in mind.
It doesn’t mean we forget our pain; it doesn’t mean we depend on others for our self-worth. It doesn’t mean we put up with mistreatment.
It means we connect, and we help, and we grow.
What are your thoughts?
Have you fallen victim to self-absorption like I have?
Do you see the benefits of including others in your personal growth intentions?
Leave a comment below and let me know :)