Is Love A Choice? My Post-Chaos Reflections
How Anxiety, Unworthiness and Control Blur the Lines Between Love and Chaos
How Anxiety, Unworthiness and Control Blur the Lines Between Love and Chaos
There was a time growing up when I used to think love was meant to sweep me off my feet.
Maybe it was my immaturity, and lack of experience, or my overconsumption of teen-romance novels and Taylor Swift songs, or the belief I had that in order for me to be happy and worthy, I needed to be chosen (probably a mix of all).
This overt romanticisation meant I had a tendency to prioritise feelings over logic.
It didn’t matter if the excited feeling I had about someone was actually anxiety — even though they were bread crumbing me and being hot and cold — , how strong my feelings were must mean they are someone important and worth chasing.
So I chased, even when I shouldn’t have.
Even when the red flags were glaring in my face.
I’d chase until I was outrightly rejected or ghosted, feeling shameful of the fact I’d self-abandoned for another person.
I’d also drive friends and family crazy with my incessant need to speak about my crush.
My experience with chronic anxious attachment and habits of chasing unavailable people set a blueprint for how I feel love as a 27-year-old quickly approaching their 30s:
Love is not love when you lose your agency, and love is not love based solely on how anxious/excited someone makes you feel.
Anxiety, Control and A Loss of Agency
I’d feel like I was going insane when I was caught up in these unavailable/anxious dynamics. I’d make other people my world and I’d slowly lose touch with my independence.
I’m sure many of you can relate to this. You might have a connection in your life right now that you’re making sacrifices and overcompensating for, and yet when you look at their character and how they treat you, you think, “Why am I so hung up on this person? They’re feeding me breadcrumbs”.
Looking back on these dynamics, I can see that it was my need for control that kept me stuck. Someone would trigger my worthiness wound, creating anxiety, and my desire to reach out and win their approval was a way to make myself feel better. In other words, I was seeking to control an emotional world I’d handed to someone else.
Additionally, I’d confuse the heightened state of anxiety and excitement I was feeling for love when their actions were far from loving.
Anxiety came when I was unsure if someone liked me and excited came when I thought they did. “I am potentially unworthy” and “I may be worthy”, were two mindset I bounced back and forth from, depending on how unresponsive/response someone else was.
Ultimately, these dynamic rob us of our agency.
To this I ask,
Is it love if someone makes you feel unworthy and less-than?
Is it love if someone doesn’t want to commit to you?
Is it love if someone shows qualities of love 10% of the time under their rules and ignores you the other 90%?
To me, that isn’t love.
A Reality Check: Love Is…
When I put my anxious attachment aside and turned on my pre-frontal cortex to really analyse the people I was dating, it was clear I could not be in love these people.
What was there to love? The qualities I was being shown were unloveable and yet I was the one feeling like I wasn’t enough (!). Were they even enough for me?
This isn’t to bad-mouth or say that these people were bad people. Sometimes people are unsure and other are learning to love just as we are (excusing any obvious examples of maltreatment of course)., I haven’t been the perfect person to speak to our date, so I try and show humility for other peoples growth.
As I’ve moved beyond these dynamic and have loved some wonderful people, I’ve come to realise that love is not all anxiety and excitement. On the contrary, love should be and can be a calming, peaceful and comforting experience.
This doesn’t mean we can’t still be triggered or experience anxiety or excitement when in love. We will feel this and more.
I think an important difference between love and the unavailable, lustful, obsession I’ve been describing in this article is if we feel truly seen and appreciated by this other person. Can we be authentic around them? Can we share our deepest insecurities without fear of judgement? *The latter was a groundbreaking experience for me, as someone who always ran away from such vulnerability.
Ironically, I think love can also be the experiences we feel resistant too. We say we want love, but when someone gives us peace over chaos we feel uncomfortable.
I could go on and on sharing my thoughts on this, but I’ll keep this to readable length.
What are your thoughts?
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