Is Admiration The Gateway To Love?
Think About This When Considering An Unhealthy Attraction
I was watching Married At First Sight this morning, a TV show in which a group of psychological experts pair up people based on their believed compatibility in the hopes that the participents can break old patterns and finally find the love they’re been holding out for.
One individual had struggled his entire life with being emotionally expressive. Now 51, he ws beginning to open up to his paired-partner, 10 weeks into the experiment. His partner had a heart of gold, and was extremely patient with him coming to terms with his own unavailability — almost pushing her away on several occasions.
He eventually began opening up and was thankful for how supportive his partner had been during his vulnerable moments. Vulnerability, as one of the experts noted, is a superpower. It allows others in, and validates our feelings — something this individual had clearly lacked in the past, hence his reason for shutting his feelings away.
But it wasn’t that which stood out to me — it was something else the psychologist said.
As the man expressed his appreciation for his partner, and all the qualities that made her so great — and a favourite of mine — , one of the experts said the following…
“Admiration Is The Gateway To Love”
Which got me thinking… How does admiration play a role in love? And is it absent in unhealthy relationships?
Admiration: What Is It and How It May Interact With Romantic Attraction
Admiration, according to Oxford Dictionary, is having “respect and warm approval” towards something or someone. How it interacts with love, I’m not entirely sure, as love is a complex feeling and choice.
However, what I am reminded of is the work of Ken Page, a relationship therapist who wrote a great booked called “Deeper Dating”. In it, he describes two distinct modes of attraction: attractions of deprivation and attractions of inspiration.
Attractions of deprivation are born in relationships with people who Ken calls “almost people”. Partners in this dynamic struggle to give us what we need or want; they’re hot and cold, potentially disrespectful, and make us feel “deprived” of love. This deprivation then propels us to try and win them over, which leads us to hide what he calls our “core gifts”, or authentic-selves. Ultimately, attractions of deprivation fail to make us feel worthy or admired. They also come with highly potent emotional experiences of high anxiety and desire. Fooling us into believing we are in love.
Attractions of inspiration on the other hand are attractions of “warmth and easiness”. In inspirational attractions, as Ken says, we’re challenged to “accept our partners caring, not to try to win it again and again”. Our partners will make us want to be better, and not through a deprived state of low self-worth, but through the belief that we CAN: which is ultimately a belief of high self-worth.
It’s difficult to imagine an attraction of deprivation where admiration is felt on either side of the coin. For the individual who’s failing to commit, it’s unlikely they will have true admiration for us as if they did, we’d expect them to commit or tell us their true feelings (that they aren’t ready to commit, or aren’t interested). We also won’t have admiration for them, as it’s difficult to admire someone when they are actively treating you badly (more on this, later).
On the flip-side, it’s easy to see how admiration plays into attractions of inspiration. To be inspired is to feel enthusiastic by something or someone, and this typically comes from viewing something that we like or respect — essentially admiration.
Could admiration therefore help open the gateway to love? I personally imagine so.
The above being said, I want to make an important distinction between idolisation and admiration. Otherwise, they’re easily confused and attractions of deprivation go unidentified.
Idolisation and Admiration: A Key Difference
Whilst admiration is based on warmth and respect towards someone else, some of us can get so caught up in our unhealthy attractions that we begin to ignore red flags, and over-inflate the person’s good qualities. This can put us in precarious positions where we trick ourselves into thinking we admire someone — when in reality, we’re likely pedestaling them.
I’d argue that hot/cold dynamics rarely develop to a point where we see the other person as fully themselves. There is often a level of emotional unavailability that stops us from getting close to them. We may also hide our authentic parts out of fear that we’ll push them away, becoming emotionally stunted ourselves. And as I said, we may also ignore red flags — which are potent indicators of who someone is showing up as.
If we paid attention to the red flags we’d be forced to stop idolising them and see them fully for who they’re showing up to be. I’d be surprised if seeing someone without this spotlight would result in us admiring them. We admire someone mistreating us? We admire them not committing or stringing us along? I find it unlikely.
By the time we heal from these dynamics, we prone to looking back and realising we were actually blinded.
We don’t admire who they truly are, only the image of them we created in our mind.
It’s no wonder these dynamics rarely lead to the secure and emotional connection that fosters love.
Thanks for reading this article. What are your thoughts on this? Let me know below and subscribe for future updates! Have a great week.