Insecure Dating: “What If I Can’t Find The Right Partner?”
You Can, You Just Need To Understand a Few Things First…
You Can, You Just Need To Understand a Few Things First…
When pursuing secure relationships, many of us stay stuck in the same insecure relationships with the same types of people because we’re afraid to walk away when we should: when things don’t feel right, when they showing us yellow/red flags, and when we start chasing.
This fear is kept afloat by the belief that tells us we can’t or won’t get better. We’ll take what we can get, even if it means us pedestalling someone, shapeshifting our likes/dislikes & hobbies to be accepted by them, or lowering our boundaries to allow harmful or disrespectful behaviours towards us.
And it’s understandable why we might not believe we can find people who will love and accept us: Maybe all we’ve known in life are dynamics with unavailable people; maybe it’s what was modelled for us by our caregivers, or maybe it’s our age and societies expectations that are driving us.
In truth, it’s probably a mixture of all factors.
If we believe we can’t get better, this belief will have been solidified by our experiences to date, and the pressures we feel around us.
Until we choose better, and create new beliefs.
Debunking The Myth: You Can Find Good Partners
If you’re reading this and feel like you’re on a Ferris wheel of bad dating experiences, situationships, or relationships, and feel you can’t get any better, we need to snap you out of the spell you’re under.
I used to be in your shoes, feeling like I was destined to always be the one chasing. I didn’t grow up with a model for a healthy relationship: My father died when I was 4, and my mum (unfortunately) found herself in several unideal and unhealthy relationships thereafter. My own romantic experiences as a teenager were insecure-ridden, and confusing for me.
At some point you have to realise that a part of you is actually turned on by unavailability, and until you make a conscious effort to bring awareness to what sort of dynamics trigger your desire to chase (someone not texting you back after the date, or showing signs they’re not interesting in you, to name a few examples), you will continue to follow that desire to unfulfilling endings.
If it’s broke, fix it and if you’re finding yourself in the same situations with the same people, you need to begin questioning why it is you’re falling for the same type of people, and make a conscious effort to let these connections go when you know a part of you is saying run.
Here’s The Catch: You Don’t Need To Believe You Can Have Better to Make Better Choices
The concept of letting someone go when you don’t believe you can find someone better might be easy to understand, but difficult to really feel. Your mind and body has been wired to expect, or even be attracted to unavailability and changing this belief is going to take some time.
That said, you don’t have to believe you can get better to start choosing better. This is difficult at first because emotions help guide us and without that motivation of, “I believe I can get better”, we’ll struggle to walk away.
Instead of waiting for a feeling that you deserve better to come, make your choices off the memory of how it felt to be disappointed, let down, mistreated, or fooled by dating the people you used to date. Use your pain as fuel, because pain is an incredibly powerful avoidant for us when making choices, if we make an effort to remember it.
For me, there came a point when I recognised that the people I chased were really just giving me anxiety, and that desire to chase was based on a hope that I could win their affection and feel better. I would ignore past pain, and similarities between the people I was dating and would prioritise a hope that thing would be different instead.
It was an incredibly destabilising and uncomfortable experience — so I made a commitment to remember those feelings and promise to myself not to feel that way again.
Use your pain to propel you forward to see unavailability as unattractive, because it is!
You’ll be amazed at what comes your way when you decide to finally walk away from the people who remind you of your past relationships.
The principle of instrumentality
The principle of instrumentality in psychology refers to the phenomena that when we set intentions, and we bring conscious awareness to what it is we’re wanting to change, we’re more likely to bet met with experiences that can facilitate that change. Think of it as manifestation, in spiritual terms.
It was difficult for me to entertain the right kind of people when I was entertaining the wrong ones. I was addicted to the chaos, and the emotional highs, which made other people appear “boring” when I met them.
But when I set the intention, and committed to the process, I started to give other types of people a chance and low and behold, I found people who I found attractive and wanted to get to know who also liked me, too! A crazy concept for those of us who haven’t had this experience, I know, but these dynamics are out there!
This is how change occurs, and this is how new beliefs are formed, through new experiences with new people — even if it feels weird, strange, or even uncomfortable at first.
Be Wary: Don’t Expect Immediate Results
The dating pool is varied, and people have their own intentions, likes/dislikes, and ideals for a partner.
It’s OK not to be compatible with everyone, and it’s good that we aren’t. Rejection is a part of dating, and whilst painful, it’s necessary; otherwise, we end up with people who don’t really value us or mess us around.
You have to be patient. What’s important is that you’re making a commitment to be more aware of yellow/red flags, your intuition you’ve previously ignored, and your tendency to want to chase.
Moving towards secure relationships is a process, and ironically, you might even want to push away the good people when you do find them.
That is a topic for another time…
Thank you for reading todays article. I am Joe, and I write thoughtful, weekly content on personal growth and relationships. You can subscribe to for updates on when I post here (!).