If Any of This is True, Avoid Situationships at All Costs

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Photograph by Kelly Sikkema on Pexels

A situationship is defined unofficially by oxford dictionary as being “a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established.”

They’re the relationships that never got out the start-gate, or did, but were never formalised.

They’re the “relationships” in which we hopelessly chase after someone who we know we shouldn’t be pining for but can’t help ourselves.

They’re the dynamics we look back on years later wondering, “What the hell was I thinking?”.

They’re often filled with red flags yet we go colour-blind to their presence and again, only realising in time the spell we were under.

Situationships are the feelings left unsaid or ignored in order for the relationship to keep moving forward.

From my experience, situationships do a lot of damage to our self worth. All of our actions reflect back on how we view ourselves, and impact our own relationship to self. I use to find myself in deep shame spirals as I engaged in “chase/pick-me” behaviours despite the fact I knew I was only going to hurt myself.

But I couldn’t help it.

I put myself out there, and faced the brunt of rejection.

Not to mention, there are lasting effects to such dynamics. Situationships are particularly addictive because of their “intermittent” nature, something I’ve written about in a previous article, here. It takes a while to break the mental bond formed in these sometimes toxic dynamics, putting our healing on standby.

I’m not sure if situationships work for anyone, but I am here to predict that there are certain qualities/characteristics some of us have that makes these dynamics no go zones. Like a radioactive boundary following a nuclear disaster (Chernobyl in Ukraine), I’d be hesitant to recommend you step over this line if you have these traits.

Instead of “Warning, Radioactivity!”, this article is here as a sign that says “Warning, These Dynamics Will Wreak Havoc On Your Self-Worth If You Step In”.

Reflecting on my own habits/behaviours/mode of relating (that have not made me a good pre-requisite for situationships), I wanted to share 3 things I think make situationships unlikely spaces you’ll find the success, happiness and satisfaction you may be looking for.

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1. You Suffer With Low Self Worth

Having a low self-worth is my number 1 reason to not entertain a situationship.

You will undoubtably set yourself up for a bad time and here’s why.

We all operate on a “pleasure-pain” principle (at least, to Sigmud Freud’s theory of self), and seek out pleasure when in pain. I compare seeking a relationship as looking for food when you’re hungry. Except our “hunger” is a need for intimacy and potentially, a need to have our sense of self validated.

When we’re suffering with low self-worth, it’s also likely that we find it difficult help ourselves, and so look outwards for others to raise our self-worth for us (through romantic attachment, for example).

Having a low self-worth also pre-dispositions us to addictive tendencies, or at least that what the research tying low self-worth to behavioural addictions such as gambling, sex, and drugs tell us. It makes sense, when having a low self-worth brings with it negative mental states that we then experience desires to soothe (emotional pain = desire for emotional soothing).

But situationships are unlikely spaces for us to find the comfort we’re looking for and yet they’re the most addictive dynamics we can find ourselves in because of their intermittent nature.

They are often unclear, and we’re left wondering what the other person’s true intentions are. Even if they tell us that they’re not looking for comittment, we may pine after them in the hopes that they cave one day.

The situtationship may include many of the things a real relationship does such as sex but without the emotional connection. This leaves us getting some aspect of a relationship (our desire) without the actual label, which only makes us question our self-worth further. Our self-worth goes down as a result and our desire to get the reward goes up.

The person we’re with becomes the cause and fix of our emotional pain, not unlike a drug.

Do I think that we can enter into these engagements with the agreement that it is what it is and nothing more? Definitely, but you have to be realistic about your own wants/needs. Do you truly want this? Even if you think you do, you might find yourself wanting more in time.

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2. You Struggle With Boundaries

To set boundaries is to declare what is ok and what is not. This requires us to understand ourselves and be able communicate our needs clearly, irrespective of the potential downside of letting someone or something go (should they decide not to honour them or discuss a comprimise).

It’s not uncommon to struggle with setting boundaries when you have a low self-worth. In fact, the two are closely tied, with many notable researchers citing healthy boundaries as being a hallmark of how we view ourselves. This makes sense, when we think of how when we don’t have clear boundaries, we’re at risk of putting up with and allowing mistreatment in our lives. These are experiences that then reflect back on how we think and feel about ourselves.

In this, situationships are no go zones if you are wanting a relationship but are finding it difficult to set boundaries. At least without a willingness to speak up, that is.

The truth is that many situationships go on for so long (at a detriment to us, most of the time), because we aren’t speaking up about what we want.

Inside we likely fear that if we declare our need for more then the other person may leave. They may do, but isn’t that the point? Why are we wasting time in a situationship if the person we’re wanting isn’t wanting us in the way we’d like?

Whilst you might be ok in letting things go how they go, you have to be aware of covert contracts you might be putting in place. When we don’t set boundaries but want to, we might sneekily play the role of the compliant, good person, in order to eventually win them over (we hope). We think, “If I don’t rock this boat with asking for what I want, maybe they’ll come around”.

But in truth, they rarely do.

Because the situation is likely comfortable for them.

And it’s ok if they don’t want more, but it’s not ok if you want more and you’re trying to weather the storm, hoping for them to come around.

Again, when we fail to set boundaries where we want them we allow behaviours that are not serving us to continue. It also builds resentment, which is toxic to any budding or existing relationship.

This is all to say that you should feel comfortable asking for what you want, and the right person will make it easier for you to express yourself. I’d say that if you’re really worried about rocking the boat, maybe that’s a sign that the boat is only staying afloat by your compliance, which isn’t necessarily a good thing.

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3. You’ve Been Down This Road Before

If it’s broken, it’s time to fix it, and many of us are running through the same relationships hoping the next one will be different without changing our approach or the people we’re with.

I use to worry that secure relationships were out of my reach. I entertained the wrong people and hoped that I’d be chosen.

But the people who I wanted to choose me were often the ones who simply didn’t want to choose me like that.

It was a hard pill to swollow, but I think it’s important to recognise that we’re just not that serious to some people.

And maybe you have to go on a few dates to find that out. I don’t think any of this means we have to declare our love for someone on day one, things can simmer but when they’re stagnating; when you’re noticing things aren’t going the way you like, it’s time to speak up or get out.

What was healing for me was getting into my recent relationship and seeing what is was likely to steadily build a connection with someone with clear communication from the onset. It was long-distance so we had to be upfront at the start in order to function. It showed me that the right person will want to build with you from the onset. Because they see something in you that they like and see a future with.

A relationship is a team, after all, and situationships often operate on a blurry set of standards that one or both people aren’t happy with (maybe at the start, but not when feelings develop).

So if you’ve been down this road before, I advise you to look inwards and wonder why this has been happening.

Is it because you suffer with low self-worth and don’t believe you can find someone who can give you truly what you want?

Do you struggle setting boundaries and instead quietly hope that your compliance will be met with reward down the line?

Do you fear letting people go even if they aren’t meeting your needs because it’s better to have someone than no one at all?

Let me know your thoughts below.