I Resented Him for the Things I Rejected In Myself
Towards the end of my last relationship I’d get irritated by my ex for qualities that actually mirrored my own. He could be self-conscious, and I’d wonder why he wasn’t more self-assured. He could be melancholic, and I, too, would wonder why he couldn’t be more optimistic.
Looking back, I can see how these characteristics actually reflected back parts of myself. And me, self-critical in my nature, would act towards him in ways that I treated myself: With resentment, annoyance, and a “Can’t you just change?” attitude.
One day on holiday he didn’t want his photograph taken and I said I wished he was more confident in himself. Turning the tables, he then said the same to me — who would want 101 pictures taken so I could analyze them until I found one I liked — .
A sign of my own self-consciousness and insecurity, we laughed at my blind spot. I was saying he should improve on something I also needed improvement on!
In hindsight, I wish I could have been more understanding and got less riled up by these things. I could have been more sympathetic; less black and white in my judgements.
Maybe we could have grown together if I had been more accepting.
Maybe I would have let him in on my own challenges. He would have supported me, but I was unwilling to support myself.
My work now is spent illuminating and healing those parts of me that I was unwilling to look at before.
It’s not pretty, but growth work never is.