I Need To Grieve All I Am Not
An Ode to Change, and Why We Can't Move Forward
I haven’t written much recently. I haven’t wanted to, because I’ve felt frustrated and resentful towards myself.
Why should I have to write to feel better in myself?
Why do I need a self-care ritual to help my mood?
Why can’t I do what I want to do, and live life with the ease of someone not limited by their fears and dissatisfaction?
Well, because I can’t.
Life has shown that to me in various ways that this is true. I feel it after I finish work on a Friday and feel hollow. I see in the relationships I’ve tried to maintain but have lost. I see it in the mirror when I don’t recognise myself.
Unfortunately, some of us just need to go the extra mile to feel OK.
We need a morning meditation ritual to counter intrusive and obsessive thoughts.
We need the writing practice, or creative outlet, to let go of some of our mental steam and knots.
We need to say no to the things that seem fun in the moment, but aren’t good for us in the long term.
We need to pursue change because life doesn’t feel aligned right now.
And we know this — I know this, but instead of taking our emotional pain as signals that we should engage in self-care, speak to a friend, pursue change or find ways to help ourselves, we push back against it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’ve been avoiding this reality.
And I think I’ve come to an answer that may resonate for you:
We’re not allowing ourselves to grieve the person we used to be.
And rather than face this grief, we reject ourselves and push away all the things that remind us of the person we’re becoming.
We stop writing, we stop taking care of ourselves, and we stop pursuing change, because we’re afraid of what that change will mean for us.
A part of us doesn’t want to change. It’s comfortable with the uncomfortable life we’ve been living.
We’re attached to it, even if it is harmful.
We need to let go.
The Cost of Not Letting Go
Letting go is a part of life, and unless we grieve, we’ll remain at odds with ourselves.
We won’t stick to our goals, we’ll abandon our self-care, and we’ll continue to do the things that harm us — because we’re avoiding the reality of who we know we are.
Letting go of the person we used to be doesn’t mean we need to ostracise ourselves, or feel like we’re “too messed up” for the world.
It just means we begin to accept difference, which may be a challenge when life tells you to fit in.
Frustration bars us from feeling grief. It says, “I don’t want this for myself”, rather than “This is who I am, and that’s ok”.
The former constrains us and the latter brings freedom, but not without an initial period of grief:
“Oh, things didn’t work out how I planned it”.
“I tried so hard to make life work this way, and it hasn’t”.
“I tried to be OK, but really I’m not”
“Others are able to manage like this, and I can’t”.
Grieving the person you tried to be requires you to reflect on the time lost, the people you hurt or were hurt by, and the ways in which you self-abandoned (potentially you’re entire life).
This isn’t an easy process, but it is a necessary one.
As Eckhart Tolle speaks to in the quote below,
“The ego says, ‘I shouldn’t have to suffer,’ and that thought makes you suffer so much more. It is a distortion of the truth, which is always paradoxical.”The truth is that you need to say yes to suffering before you can transcend it.”
Maybe a part of my Ego needs to die. It’s holding on, moulded by the expectations of my childhood, and the beliefs of others.
Can it be reshaped into something more aligned with who I am and what I want?
Can we accept our differences and meet change head-on, or will we remain in opposition to it?
I know what path I’m choosing.