Hypervigilance and the Quiet Erosion of Self-Trust
How survival strategies follow us into adulthood
Trauma that has infiltrated our sense of self can leave us feeling wholly inadequate and unworthy. To cope, we can become chronic self-abandoners whose brain learns to scan the world for signs that we’re accepted, appreciated, or even just adequate enough to be part of society.
In psychology, this constant “alertness” is called hypervigilance, driven by a chronic lack of trust and fear. Some of us spent our childhoods living through mild to chronic hypervigilance, overanalysing our thoughts, behaviours and actions and molding ourselves into who we think we should be - usually, to perfectionistic and unrealistic standards.
By adulthood, our people-pleasing tendencies, influenced by our hypervigilant brain, are like a pair of worn-in shoes; they’re familiar to us, albeit the soles are wearing thin, they no longer support our ankles, and we’re one rogue stone on the path of life away from a complete breakdown.
So long as we continue to not trust our ability to be enough as we are, hypervigilance will creep into every facet of our lives, driving self-abandonment and poor boundaries in work, relationships, and our hobbies/side hustles.
I wanted to write this as recently I’ve let my low-self-worth-driven hypervigilance run wild. I’ve become extremely analytical of everything I do, and every action has become a vote against my worthiness.
Whilst things like work, or relationships generally trigger my hypervigilance, recently I’ve struggled to enjoy the simple pleasures that give me release, like writing. Rather than lose myself in flow and cathartically untether some of my feelings, I’ve been overanalysing my words — questioning, “Is this good enough?”, “What will people think?”, and worryingly,
“Have I lost my ability to write?”
This vigilance blocks my ability to enter flow (you can’t lose yourself in something if you’re critically analysing everything out of fear) and I’m forced to give up in frustration. I then feel like a failure when it’s the hypervigilance that is causing the problems.
This is what happens when adaptive strategies that once kept us safe in childhood carry into adulthood: they become maladaptive, disrupting our ability to feel present and express ourselves.
Not to mention, hypervigilance is exhausting. A mind that is always on doesn’t rest. Time becomes an enemy, and life, which is inherently unpredictable, becomes a constant trigger. A hypervigilant mind is an obsessive and overly controlling one.
Countering Hypervigilance: You Are Safe, As You Are
I share my struggles with writing as my solution is one I believe can translate to other areas where hypervigilance causes problems, like relationships or work.
Once, my writing was just an outlet. I was anonymous; I just signed off my writing with “Above the Middle” - I didn’t even share my name.
But as I’ve integrated more of myself into my writings and as I’ve grown an audience, it’s become a trigger for my fears around self-expression. I feel exposed, and to young Joe who was afraid to be himself, this makes me want to run and hide.
This all said, today, I tried something different. I told myself I was safe in this space. I told myself that it didn’t matter what I wrote or who saw it; it was valuable. My worth is not dependent on what I do or what people think.
I am worthy as I am, in all areas of my life, and I don’t need to perform for this value. To perform is to say you don’t trust yourself; that you can’t feel good as you are and the more you perform, the more you reinforce a lack mindset.
Reminding myself that my self-expression is safe, lifted a weight from my shoulders. I felt I could breathe and my brain, no longer on alert for threat, sank into flow, the self-criticism absent.
Make it a daily practice to remind yourself of your wholeness.
Meditate on it — like I did, for 10 minutes before a social event, or before writing, or before going to work.
Remind yourself: I am OK regardless of how I perform. My worth is not subject to approval.
If self-trust is eroded by self-abandonment and people-pleasing, self-trust is built by doing things that allow you to authentically express and be more yourself. Your brain will let down its guard. It’ll learn to feel safe again.
Mental Health Management and Compassion
I used to see trauma and hypervigilance as something that could be “cured”, but now I see it as something to be managed.
It’s up to me to engage in the self-care I need to manage my suspicious mind. If I don’t check myself, I am prone to self-abandonment - unconsciously placing my worth in the things around me out of fear.
When I judge myself harshly for being like this - which I have been! - I only get more stressed, which leads to overwhelm. I give in to people-pleasing and I conform, or I run away.
The answer is compassion.
Compassion for the boy who learned that always being alert meant he could adapt and stay safe.
To end this post here are some action points:
Bring awareness to where life is triggering your hypervigilance: there you will find your triggers. People, places, or expectations can all point to a wound.
Practice mindfulness meditation, this will help you relax your mind when fear arises.
Remind yourself of your wholeness. You can trust yourself. You are enough. It can be easy to forget this when fear is present.
Have compassion for your struggles. Compassion heals and resistance leads to persistence.