Hovering Between Connection and Retreat: Disorganised Attachment
I circle my friends and love interests, wanting to connect whilst simultaneously wanting to stay away.
To be disorganised is to live between opposing internal forces: the desire to connect, and the fear of connection. Whilst one impulse may temporarily override the other, I’ve come to learn that the other isn’t far behind.
In my day-to-day life, I feel this tension when I text a friend to ask them to hang out. Almost immediately, my desire turns to doubt. A part of me wants to revoke the message and retreat into myself.
It can feel like we’re damned if we do, and damned if we don’t. If we don’t reach out, desire lives on; if we do, avoidance rises.
In my early 20s, this pattern would wreak havoc. In romantic relationships, I’d follow my opposing impulses and contradict myself, to the confusion of everyone and myself. At its worst, I broke up with an ex and made up several times in one afternoon.
Now I’m older, and have cultivated greater awareness, I can hover above the potential contradiction and in the case of texting a friend, I ask myself:
What am I searching for, and why am I so conflicted?
Indecision Is A Disorganised Person’s Trauma Response
What on the surface looks like indecision to hang out is actually a trauma response that says, “I don’t know if I’ll be safer on my own or in connection”.
It’s difficult for us to connect when we spent our childhoods unsure whether the ones we love would support or harm us. Rather than grow confident that we can feel safe and cared for, we were left fractured and afraid. Afraid that if we reached out, we’d be rejected, or harmed, and afraid that if we were left alone, we’d suffer.
And growing up, this indecision was likely chronic. I spent my younger years totally consumed by fear. Struggling on my own, afraid of those around me seeing me. When faced with connection, I was left afraid, and then, confused by my conflicting emotions.
Side note: Mary Ainsworth’s strange experiments were the first to show disorganised attachment in action. Caregivers and their infants were observed to see their reactions when their caregiver left the room and returned. Upon returned disorganised infants would show clear signs of indecision: walking up to their caregivers, stopping and freezing. Their nervous system, overwhelmed, shut down.
When activated, I see myself in the disorganised infants of the Strange Experiments. Sometimes I’ll approach and then flee, other times I’ll freeze up, locked in a state of uncertainty, overthinking what I should do next, all the while doing nothing at all.
How I Manage Indecision
We may know, on a logical, rational level, that we have nothing to fear hanging out with a friend, but trauma defies logic, initially. Feelings can feel real and distort our understanding of reality.
Whilst I’m getting better at managing my disorganised patterns, I still struggle. Sometimes I’ll hover around a potential plan for days, uncomfortable and procrastinating on it, unaware that my trauma has been activated.
Our feelings drive much of our behaviour. Under normal circumstances, we use them as guides, but when disorganised attachment styles are triggered, the past can blur the present. This is especially true for disorganised people. Our emotions are strong and contradictory, which naturally brings confusion.
So when I’m faced with a decision, like whether to see a friend, it’s really important that I allow myself time before deciding. I don’t want to overextend myself if I need time alone, and I don’t want to avoid connecting because, on some deeper level, a part of me is afraid of being seen.
I also anticipate that I might feel a tinge of avoidance come through when I do reach out to connect. I don’t excuse these feelings, but I try not to allow them to dictate my actions immediately. I can wait to see if they are speaking true, and it’s genuinely ok to change your mind — so long as you feel you’re doing it because you really want to.
Importantly, I try not to judge myself for being this way.
Self-judgement compounds the stress response, and in the past, has led me to overwhelm and breakdowns.
Thank you for reading.
Managing attachment trauma is difficult, confusing, but writing and reading about this stuff helps. If you want to read some more, consider subscribing to my newsletter to be notified of future updates.