Here's What Science Says About Attachments In Unhealthy Relationships
Intermittent Reward Systems In Relationships and Beyond
Hello and welcome to my substack. My name is Joe Gibson and I own a blog over on Medium called Above The Middle. With over 450 scientifically-backed articles on topics relating to relationships, dating, mental health and personal development, I’m writing my way through the trials and tribulations of life - hopefully helping a couple people along the way.
I’m hoping my substack can be an extension of my continued work in the space. I’m going to be posting some of my best-known articles whilst I feel my way around this new platform. Feel free to check them out and subscribe if you’d like to connect. :)
Now to the article…
I find relationships fascinating, especially unhealthy ones. Why is it that all the red flags in the world can be staring us right in the face and yet we continue to pine after and remain attached to people who mistreat us or are otherwise unavailable; emotionally or physically?
It’s a question you may have asked yourself once or others in your life under similar circumstances. Surely if someone wasn’t good for us we’d be able to detach ourselves from them?
If only it were that simple.
When we’re being actively mistreated or experiencing hot and cold behaviors, on a psychological level, there is far more going on than you might originally think. This is why learning about psychology and the human mind is so important when bringing awareness to our everyday behaviors. Without proper awareness of psychology, we run the risk of being run by our brains.
So why are unhealthy relational patterns so addictive, and how can we begin to untether ourselves from them when we find ourselves trapped?
Here’s what the science says.
Unhealthy Dynamics and Intermittent Reward Systems
Ken Page, psychotherapist and writer of Deeper Dating remarks that part of the reason unhealthy dynamics are so addictive comes down to the pattern of behaviours often exhibited within them. These patterns, or “intermittent reward systems”, he says are some of “the most compelling forms of reinforcement” and “amongst the hardest to break free from”.
To receive an intermittent reward means to be at the receiving end of counteractive behaviors. In relationships, this can look like someone showing you affection some of the time but not all of the time. It can range from extreme cases of violent abuse mixed with loving behaviors to less severe but still addictive patterns like someone being inconsistent with their texting.
The problem with intermittent rewards in relationships is that we’re left wondering when we’re going to receive love again, and why we only get it sometimes. The anxiety that occurs in the latter pushes us to want to chase our lover's affection because they’ve likely shown it before, so we know what it feels like, but they aren’t showing it now.
The addictive nature of unhealthy relationships is underpinned by the neuroscience of how dopamine works in our brains. But before going into how intermittent rewards impact dopamine specifically, let me give you a brief intro to dopamine and how it acts under normal circumstances — to save confusion!
The Science Of Reward: Consistent Rewards and Dopamine
The neurotransmitter dopamine is released whenever we anticipate something potentially rewarding i.e., something that makes us feel good. This is consistent across studies on sugar, sex, alcohol, drugs, and just about anything pleasurable.
But dopamine doesn’t create pleasure it simply tells us that something pleasurable might be there. From there, we feel an urge, or craving, to approach that thing and get the reward. This is why one of dopamine’s main functions in the mind is motivation. It helps us feel that drive to do something.
As a rule of thumb, if we think something is going to feel good for us — either through past experience or perceived outcome — the higher the dopamine release will be, and the more compelled we’ll feel to go for it. This is why sugar feels more desirable than broccoli. We know it tastes good and we know we’ll feel good eating it, so greater amounts of dopamine are released leading to greater levels of motivation. Broccoli just doesn’t hit our brains the same, unfortunately.
If you did succumb to the urge above and grabbed the bag of sweets your dopamine levels would gradually decrease until you didn’t want to eat anymore. Your brain would be like, “Oh cool, we got the reward, so we don’t need to keep pushing this person to eat these sweets. We’re good now”. If the dopamine system didn’t do this, we’d keep eating and eating — which is why dysregulations in the dopamine system are thought to be correlated with obesity! —.
To put this into a relationship context, this is part of the reason relationships have a honeymoon phase and a cool-down phase. The beginning is exciting and filled with lots of dopamine release until this person becomes a constant in your life, then the levels drop again. This is why incorporating new activities, hobbies, adventures, etc into your relationship can keep it feeling fresh. If things are feeling like they’re feeling mundane, it’s not so much your partner's problem as much as it is your dopamine levels.
But I digress, this is how dopamine works when we see a reward, get the reward, and then get familiar with the reward. It goes up, it plateaus and then it goes back down.
Now let’s look at how intermittent rewards mess everything up and keep us tied into unhealthy dynamics.
The Science Of Reward: Intermittent Reward Systems
Intermittent reward systems are different from the reward system I described above because the reward doesn’t come consistently, it comes randomly. You’re firstly taught that a reward is going to be there and then it’s taken away, only to be given sometimes and not consistently.
In a relationship context, this would look like dating someone who’s initially available, and seems interested, but then starts going cold. These relationships are different from somebody straight-up “ghosting” you as yes, it would hurt, but your brain would soon realize, “ok the reward has gone”, and you’d soon get over it (Your dopamine system would level out).
Intermittent rewards are more addictive because the person in question will come in and out of your life as they choose. This dysregulates the dopamine system because your brain can’t figure out what the pattern of behavior is going to be. The reward is randomized and because you’ve had a taste for what it can be liked to have their interest, and they still show it sometimes, you cling on.
On a neurological level your dopamine system doesn’t have a chance to level itself out, instead remaining persistently activated. In studies on rats given intermittent rewards, they become anxiously obsessed with the reward, awaiting their next hit whilst ignoring all other responsibilities.
Sound familiar?
Like when you obsessively check your phone for their messages
When you ignore other people’s concerns and your own concerns as you wait for your fate to turn and for them to be loving again.
When you indulge in fantasy over how you wish it would play out, if only they’d be consistent.
When you cancel other plans, or keep plans free just to make time for them if they decide to show interest.
Intermittent rewards are addictive because they give us a taste of what something can be like, whilst depriving us of actually getting it consistently.
Intermittent rewards are also the underpinnings of addictions like gambling, which are based on the unpredictable nature of the reward in question. To win the game, or lose the same, you could say. The further problem with this is that our self-worth is often tied to the outcome, meaning there’s far more than someone’s affection on the line.
It’s our worthiness, our mental well-being, and our happiness; leading to higher stakes, higher rewards, deeper lows, and greater anxiety.
Managing Intermittent Reward Systems In Relationship
If you can relate to any of the above behaviors then congratulations, awareness is the first step. If this is your first time having your eyes opened to this, then have compassion for yourself. Most of us have been in your shoes before.
To put it simply, intermittent reward systems in relationships are not sustainable. They will drive you crazy, have you anxiously waiting for your next hit, and neglect all other priorities.
To create a healthier, more sustainable relationship you need to seek consistency in your relationship — which involves having hard conversations and having someone who is willing to work with you to improve the dynamic.
Saying this, intermittent reward relationships are often born from one or more of the party’s disinterest or lack of respect for boundaries. Whilst all relationships can change, if your partner is unwilling to see the faults in their behaviors or grow, then it’s best for you to find someone who is willing to give you what you need and deserve.
There’s so much more I want to say on this topic, but for now leave a few *claps* if you enjoyed it, drop a comment below with your thoughts, and follow Above The Middle for frequent content relating to this. You can even subscribe if you’d like email updates!
Thanks a lot for reading and have a great week.