Disorganised People Find It Hard To Make A Decision: Stay or GO?
We Are Trapped In The Middle
Hey, thanks for clicking on. This is a bit of a meditation I wanted to write on how those of us with disorganised tendencies struggle to make choices.
I’m going through some big life changes at the moment that I’ll explain later on, and it’s bringing up all my messy disorganised patterns. This is both an article about love and life in general.
Making choices around love is extremely difficult for a disorganised person. An attachment style born from unpredictable and/or dangerous childhood environments, the disorganised adult adopts an attitude towards love that is one of necessity (“I need love/care/affection to survive”) and fear (“I’m afraid of being hurt”).
Those of us with disorganised attachment styles are some of the most deeply feeling people out there, too — as I wrote about in a past article.
We long to love and wish to receive it, but we don’t trust that we can hold it and feel safe. This leads to our characteristically conflicting behaviours in love: Push-pull, come here; go away, don’t leave me; get away from me.
Confusion and indecision are therefore recurrent experiences for someone with a disorganised attachment style.
If only we could make a decision and stick with it, maybe we’d feel less stuck and less tormented by anxiety and indecision.
For a long time I struggled to define who I was. My value system was non-existent and I was too focused on how others viewed me.
Add to that the childhood conditioning/trauma I mentioned at the start of this article, and you get a hot-pot of complicated feelings that can leave you wondering which way is up and which is down.
I would also argue a disorganised person’s confusion and inability to make decisions is the reason toxic and potentially even abusive relationships can be so attractive to us. It takes someone manipulative and/or highly triggering to overpower our indecision.
I realised this in my own life when I stopped chasing unavailable people and started dating people who were actually interested me (and not assholes). Without the need to chase or suss out someone’s intentions, I was suddenly left with my own mind and all my fears of intimacy and abandonment.
When you remove the external pressure and are left with yourself and your trauma, suddenly you have the power to make a choice — and that is an uncomfortable space to operate in when you don’t know who you are, don’t have healthy boundaries, and struggle managing your emotions.
Recognising Your Tendency To Avoid Choice
I wanted to write this article after reflecting on the fact that I only have a few people in my life who truly know me. The rest I keep at an arm’s length — not too far away to make me feel alone, but not too close to make me feel threatened.
It made me think about the concept of being stuck in the middle.
We may say we want close friends, but our actions contradict this.
We say we want a secure relationship, but we ignore the red flags.
We say we want a different life, but put up with the mundane.
Those of us with disorganised attachment styles will make our home in this middle-ground:
Complaining is our way to avoid making choices and take action.
Getting lost in daydreams is our way to indulge in our desires without the discomfort of having to make choices and take action.
Compulsive avoidance behaviours and addictions are ways we ignore our reality and subsequently, our need to make a choice. They also soothe the discomfort we feel when we’re struck with indecision.
Exercising Self-Compassion And Reclaiming Responsibility
In a few months, I’ll leave my job to go travelling. I’m very scared, and my disorganised tendencies are rearing their ugly head. The closer the deadline comes, the more I want to push it back and cling to how my life is now.
But I know the moment I push the deadline back, I’ll wish I hadn’t. My mind will flip — like a disorganised person’s does, and suddenly I’ll resent my choice to stay.
I can’t keep living on daydreams and I don’t want to keep complaining.
I need to make a choice in line with who I want to be and what I genuinely want.
This is uncharted territory for me. I’m used to living between two pressures: The desire for more, and my dissatisfaction with the now.
I’m determined to keep in mind what it is I‘ve felt right for the past few years and start taking action.
It feels like a powerful moment for me. It’s the reclamation of my ability to be self-responsible. I don’t have to live in the grey zone, or listen to who others think I should be, or do what is “right” within societies standards. I can just do what I feel called to do.
I urge anyone who relates to feeling confused — be it in love, or otherwise — to do the internal work and find the right support to start taking action. Part of growth beyond disorganisation comes when we overcome indecision and start moving.
Action builds our sense of self and it’s never too late to change your patterns, define who you want to be, and love differently.
Thank you for reading this article. I write thoughtful content throughout the week on topics relating to personal growth and relationships.