Disorganised Attachment: The Struggle of The Avoidant Phase
Disorganized attachment styles bring with them a paradox that reads along the lines of, “I’m scared of connection but I also need it”.
Disorganized attachment styles bring with them a paradox that reads along the lines of, “I’m scared of connection but I also need it”.
Whereas an avoidant learns that their independence outside of intimacy is a safe space, disorganized individuals don’t. Instead, us disorganized individuals are more likely to judge ourselves, and whilst an avoidant has difficulty connecting to and expressing their emotions, we have a problem managing them. We feel a lot, and often to a fault.
The result can be intense feelings of loneliness, sadness, and frustration for the disconnected disorganized person.
There was a time when I feared being alone. I didn’t want to be with my thoughts, which is why I sought out unhealthy connections to lose myself in (if the attraction was strong enough, unavailable enough, and lacked enough intimacy to overpower my fear of connection, that is).
As someone who is actively healing their disorganized tendencies, I’ve worked hard to get comfortable being alone.
Thankfully, I now have self-care practices, hobbies, and healthy friendships that make me feel good. I can even sit alone on a Sunday morning with a coffee, happy to be with myself and enjoying the present moment. That means the world to me and is a far cry away from how my experience being alone used to be.
That being said, my disorganization is not healed.
Whilst I’ve worked to heal my relationship to myself, I fear now I was to avoid relationships entirely.
Why seek comfort from others when I’m happy alone?
And now I’ve learned not to tie my worth to others, why bother at all?
That’s the avoidant part of our disorganisaed attachment style talking. As the disorganised attachment style mixes the anxious and avoidant styles, finding comfort in your indpendence (an anxious trait), leaves us more avoidant.
We fear connection — and healing this is the next step on our healing journey.
Healing Disorganisation: Solo Work Can Sometimes Be Easier than Working With Others
Healing a disorganized person’s inability to be alone is sometimes easier than healing their ability to feel safe around others. Working with a therapist, or investing in self-help practice like writing, journalling and reading can help us create an independent life we not only love, but can thrive in.
Whilst we can experience emotional intimacy with a therapist, we don’t necessarily need a romantic relationship to do this work. We can do it solo.
Deconstructing our belief that we need others in order to feel whole is a huge part of this — and something we can all work on independently. Once I realized I could create a life that satisfied me without the unhealthy craving for someone else’s affection, I began to enjoy my time alone more. I didn’t sit around feeling lonely, with a desire to seek out a quick-fling. I could just be.
But to cut out connection entirely isn’t so healthy in the long run, either. Just as the avoidantly attached! They may seem content but deep down a part of them knows they struggle connecting, and the trauma lives on.
A disorganized person will know this, too.
Just as we can reprogram our view of independence, we need to reprogram our view of others: Not as people who we subconsciously believe will hurt or judge us, but as people who can love us and add value to our lives.
This is hard and requires us stepping into the danger-zone.
Fearing Relapse, and Building Walls
Having worked to rebuild my independent life after my last relationship which triggered my disorganised wound, a part of me would rather not connect with anyone romantically again.
Why risk the independent life I’ve worked hard to build for intimacy when I’m likely to feel fearful, or risk relapsing into old patterns?
Whilst I can see why I feel this way, I can also recognize that it is my fear of fearing which is what stops me.
It’s the fear I have that I’ll meet someone and experience discomfort.
It’s the fear I have that something will go wrong and the safe spaces I’ve worked hard to build will no longer be safe.
I think it’s natural for disorganized individuals to feel this way. Prior experiences of intense dysregulation in intimate relationships have marked our psyche to want to avoid any risk of it happening again. Approaching intimacy can be a disabling experience, just by the meer thought of experiencing similarly again.
This is trauma talking, and this also mirrors PTSD /CPTSD — something disorganized individuals can also struggle with.
The idea of experiencing stress in itself creates stress, and if we finally feel safe on our own, our independence can become an avoidance tactic: A space we stay in to stay comfortable.
My Take On Further Healing
If any of this relates to you, I want to commend and congratulate you for finding safety in your own space.
I also want to open your mind to the idea that you can keep this, whilst taking steps to heal your fear of connection.
Imagine this safe space you’ve created like an island: It has all the infrastructure (hobbies) friendly neighbors (platonic connections) and healing practices (self-care rituals) that make you happy.
What if we could step off the ocean towards romantic relationships whilst keeping that island as a backup safe-house we return to when we feel overwhelmed or scared?
This is hard work and requires us to know our needs, our capacity for challenge, and to have a supportive framework around us. I’ve made the error of pushing myself too far, and being swept away by the anxious current a romantic connection brings me.
Working with a therapist, a somatic healer, or a holistic coach can help you. Going at it alone may be overwhelming, and wouldn’t be what I’d recommend from personal experience, and as someone who still has barriers.
I don’t have all the answers, but I have all the faith. I don’t want anyone reading my work to assume that because I broadly cateogorise those of us with disorganised tendancies into an overarching label, that we are bound by that label.
If you’ve worked to feel safe in your own company, you will know that healing can happen. We just need to find a way to do this with others.
Thank you for taking the time to read this article! My name is Joe and I write about relationships & personal growth. To keep up to date with my articles, YouTube videos and my daily ramblings, subscribe here.