Burned Out But Hopeful
Being Honest About My Life Right Now and Future Plans!
I’m sorry I haven’t posted much recently.
In honesty, I’ve felt a little jaded and burned out by life. Helpless to life and a slave to my to-do list.
I’ve been in hustle mode for years now. Building my blog, talking about the stuff that makes me genuinely passionate, whilst working an 8:30 am - 6 pm job, 5 days a week, unfortunately, means putting all this on the back burner.
I feel like Miley Cyrus’ Hannah Montana. Living a double life. Carl Jung would call it a false self and a true self. My true self is the person writing this; the false self is the one who has to present themselves differently at work every day.
There’s a lot of talk online about hustling despite your circumstances, but we only have so much energy we can give out into the world in a given day.
Something’s got to give eventually, and in my case, it’s been writing (and all my other self-care rituals). If I can’t leave my job, then I’ll have to sacrifice my personal life to make room for what I’m contracted to do.
Only said work doesn’t bring me fulfilment or joy. Without my writing practice and a space to express my authentic self, I fall back into old habits, and my mental health begins to suffer.
I value all of you who check in to read my stuff. Growing this blog has been my proudest achievement, and I’m always conscious of my need to create content for you.
That said, creating content has been difficult. When I tried to write about a specific topic this morning, I gave up and fell asleep for two hours.
A freeze response to stress, my body and mind shut down, and sleep seemed a better option than trying to push through.
As you can see… I’m burned out.
I haven’t wanted to admit it, because I’ve wanted to keep showing up here, and my goal is to keep trying - albeit, with my health in mind.
I’m hoping by writing this and being honest, I’ll cleanse some of the blocks in my consciousness around writing. When I don’t write for a while, I start to worry I’ve lost my ability to create.
Thankfully, there is some hope on the horizon.
A light at the other end of the dark tunnel.
In 6 months, I’ll be venturing into nomad life to follow my dream of putting my creativity first whilst travelling the world. *I fear I sound crazy even writing that.
Since starting this blog and cultivating a passion for writing and true connection, I’ve known this was a step I needed to take.
I long to put myself first and to step into my creative power.
There’s a lot of personal work that will come with it, which is probably why a part of me fears it, but also wants it.
What is life if we don’t take risks?
When you’ve felt the brunt of NOT following your intuition in the form of helplessness and depression (my current state), you adopt a kind of fuck it mentality.
I’d rather follow the intuitive call that tells me I’ll be happier when I put myself first than ignore it and live in the discomfort of boredom, unfulfilment and inauthentic stress.
I say this because I want you to know that I’m not planning to slow down, although my output has seemed like it recently.
It just means me being careful for now and not overextending myself.
It means getting back in touch with my self-care rituals, like meditation, and writing where I can.
The life you’re having to show up for right now doesn’t need to be one you feel helpless in. It can empower you and be the platform for you to make the moves you want to make in life.
Brush off the resistance to your present moment.
Embrace the discomfort, and know that the Universe is going to give you the life you want if you keep showing up.
So long as you’re showing up and putting your best foot forward with a vision in mind of what it is you’re wanting to do, I believe things will work out in the end.
Thanks for reading. I know the structure of this post is whack(!), but I wanted to vent a little and let you know that I’m still here!
I’ll talk about my plans more in due course, so stay tuned :)