Be Aware: Attractions of Deprivation & Attractions of Inspiration
I wrote an article 3 years ago on attractions of deprivation but with many years of relationship research under the belt (and hopefully better writing skills), I wanted to revisit the topic.
It was after all, a moment where a penny dropped in my mind and I realised I’d been approaching dating completely wrong.
Attractions of deprivation is not a term coined by myself but by relationship expert and therapist, Ken Page. He wrote a book called “Deeper Dating” that I recommend everyone checks out.
In short, attractions of deprivation are the attractions we have for people who make us feel in some way uncertain or unworthy. Ken calls these subjects of our attraction, “almost” people:
They’re “almost” good for us (if it wasn’t for their mistreatment).
They’re “almost” relationship worthy (if they were available).
They’re “almost” right for us (if it wasn’t for the clear incompatibilities and red flags we overlook).
“Almost” people lead to attractions of deprivation because their uncertainty and (potentially) direct mistreatment and boundary crossing make us doubt our worth. This doubt questions if we’re worthy enough for them, leading to an energetic imbalance between them and us: we chase because we want the approval, and to relieve the anxiety this dynamic has created in us.
As the name of the attraction suggests, deprived is how we’ll feel entertaining “almost” people. We’l feel like we’re not talented enough, pretty enough, and worthy enough for their time and commitment.
If they committed and truly wanted to be with us, they wouldn’t be “almost” people.
One foot in and one foot out they stay and in response we hope win their love out of a need to feel whole.
It’s toxic and is a form of gambling, only our self-worth the price.
My growth beyond attractions of deprivation came in realising that these dynamics with “almost” people was an unhealthy way for me to experience dating. It was crazy making: trying to be who you thought someone wanted you to be and trying to decipher how you can win someone’s affection.
Many of us feel we have to entertain less than we deserve because we don’t believe we can have more. If someone is unavailable to us, we’d rather try and win them over then let them go and risk having no one.
If all we’ve known are attractions of deprivation, how can we imagine something more? Surely this is all we can get if we keep experiencing them?
Wrong.
We don’t get more because we don’t ask for it. So long as we’re entertaining attractions of deprivation, we’re ignoring potential partners who can give us what we what.
Enter in, attractions of inspiration.
Attractions of Inspiration
Ken Page describes attractions of inspiration as having a “quality of warmth and easiness”. They’re the attractions with people who care for us — even the stuff we think they’d dislike(!). They like us for us, warts and all, and they’ll want commitment and to be a part of our life (and us, theirs).
Attractions of inspiration lack the chaotic energy of attractions of deprivation. Why? Because they aren’t filled with mixed signals and uncertainty. Subsequently, we aren’t made to feel like we need to anxiously chase someone — a fundamentally difficult thing to do, because we have little control over how someone wants to treat us, only how we react.
Attractions of inspiration will likely come with people who don’t immediately trigger our worthiness wounds. I use to think it was a good sign if I felt obsessive over someone, wasn’t that love? Nowadays I think of it as a trauma bond.
Choosing Attractions of Inspiration over Attractions of Deprivation
Ken says the challenge with attractions of inspiration is that we have to accept love, rather than fight for it. I use to think my problem was choosing the wrong people, until I started seeking out and finding attractions of inspiration. Then I realised I had no idea how to accept the love great people wanted to give me!
This, unfortunately, can act as a huge blocker in our journey to secure and inspirational love. We have to be able to love ourselves the way we want others to love us. Part of the reason I was stuck in cycles of attractions of deprivation was because I didn’t think I could get better.
To this I say you can get better, but you need to let go of your attractions of deprivation in order to do so. Time spent with people who make you feel unworthy is time away from finding someone who sees your worth. It is also time away from taking care of yourself and ensuring you are ready for when someone wants to care for you.
I was scrolling through hinge yesterday and someone’s prompt said they were “weirdly attracted to red flags”, which is a funny thing to say in principle (we’ve all said it) but it told me instantly that this person was not ready for an attraction of inspiration. In identifying strongly with their attraction to red flags, how could they attract any different?
To let go of attractions of deprivation we have to let go of chaos. Attractions of deprivation can be anxiety whirlwinds with high high’s and extremely low lows. Eventually you realise that the high isn’t worth the feeling of inadequacy and seek change and I hope this is helping you on that journey.
Stepping out of attractions of deprivation can feel strange at first. Maybe they’re all we’ve known and seen in the relationships around us (our caregivers, critically).
When I committed to letting go of my attractions of deprivation I felt like I’d stepped into the wilderness but I soon began to meet people who cared and ended up loving me.
Like Ken described, they started with ease and didn’t require me to chase. It’s a great feeling when you’re dating someone you know is into you and you, them. It’s a refreshing place build a relationship from and you once you’ve experienced them, you won’t go back.
Did that mean these relationships were free of conflict? No. I do struggle accepting love, but I know I can’t work on this when I’m entertaining people who validate my limiting beliefs.
Attractions of inspiration are attractions that promote growth and challenge us with someone who will love us in the process. Attractions of deprivation, on the other hand, do not promote growth. They validate our core wounds and keep us stuck.
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