Avoid Attractions of Deprivation at All Costs
Ken Page, the writer of Deeper Dating, talks about two different attractions that lead us down two very different routes; Attractions of deprivation and attractions of inspiration. Being able to differentiate between the two is essential because whilst one is incredibly passionate, intense, and inevitably addictive, the other will lead you to the long-lasting love you so deeply desire. As Ken Page says;
“Learn how to recognize the difference between your attractions of deprivation and your attractions of inspiration, which is not always so easy to do. And then, only, only pursue your attractions of inspiration” — Ken Page
So what is up with these attractions of deprivation? Why is it so important we recognize what they are and why is it important that we ultimately stay away from them? Let us start with what these dynamics look like to us.
Chasing The “Almost People”
As Ken Page says, these people are the “almost people”, they are the people in our lives who can give us something but not enough to give us what we truly want. They are unwilling to commit, unwilling to show up in the way that we want them to but are showing up just enough to keep us wanting more. Sound familiar? Like that person you were seeing who was not 100% all-in and yet you went crazy for them? That is an attraction of deprivation.
Now let us look at why these attractions are so damn addictive. What is it about them that drives us so crazy? Why do we pursue them even though we know deep down there is a lacking on their part? Because of just that, their lack. Their mixed signals and their unwillingness to show up how we want plays straight into our primal lizard brains.
The Problems Start with Our Reward System
The unavailability of our interests hijacks a brain area that when dysregulated, creates an unhealthy craving for attention and reward. That area is our reward system — or our limbic system -. Essentially this area of the brain is designed to remember the things that make you feel good so that you do them again.
Anything that stimulates dopamine release — the feel-good neurotransmitter — into this area of the brain, will activate this reward system. The reward system’s role is to then quickly store information relating to the said thing so that in similar circumstances, cravings will be created for you to seek it out again as Amy Banks says in Psychology Today.
“Dopamine is simply the carrot on a stick designed to give a reward to life-sustaining activities like eating healthy food, having sex, drinking water, and being held in nurturing relationships so that you will keep doing these healthy things over and over again”. — Amy banks.
So where does it all go wrong? The issue arises when anxiety is thrown in. When we are attracted to these “almost people” one thing is crucially different from all other attractions. The fact we are not being chosen in the way we would like devalues us. It makes us feel inadequate. After all, surely they would choose us if we were good enough? Smart enough? Successful enough? That is the difference and that is what ultimately hijacks our reward system because one of our core fears as human beings is the fear of rejection. Karl Albrecht Ph.D. describes it as one of our 5 primal fears in Psychology Today.
“The fear of abandonment, rejection, and loss of connectedness; of becoming a non-person — not wanted, respected, or valued by anyone else. The “silent treatment,” when imposed by a group, can have a devastating effect on its target.”
This fear creates an anxious emotional state within us. We feel neglected, we feel unworthy, we do not feel chosen and our reward system begins to go crazy. You see, this reward system is hooked up to our amygdala — our fear-based response system in the brain — so in times of stress and in times of uncertainty, this reward system is going to light up and search for the one thing it deems will fix the problem and make you feel good again. Them.
It Gets Worse — Intermittent Reward Systems
You are already experiencing anxiety and a craving for them due to their unavailability but these attractions of deprivation often involve the interest showing sporadic periods of interest followed by none at all. You are inevitably left in limbo and the uncertainty surrounding if they will choose you creates a mental dynamic, not unlike that seen in gambling; intermittent reward systems. Yes, the same addictive patterns can be formed in romantic relationships Roberta Satow Ph.D. describes their addictive quality in Psychology Today.
“Sometimes you win and that keeps you going back for more, but then you lose and lose and lose. For those who are addicted, there’s always the hope that next time you will win” — Roberta Satow Ph.D
The fact you do not know if or when they will choose you makes you want them even more. The craving intensifies because your brain does not know when they will make you feel good again. As I said prior, the reward system is there to create cravings within you to attain the things that make you feel good so imagine the cravings created when you do not know if you will get the reward? They are incredibly intense. Suddenly they are all you can think about. When will I see them? What do I need to do to get their attention? How do I make them like me? All the while their lacking is creating an anxious emotional state in you that is also activating this reward system. It is crazy-making.
Our Misconstrued Pursuit of These Attractions Ultimately Leads To Pain
Many of us pursue these attractions because we are confused as to what love actually is. We mistake these cravings and intense feelings for love. Surely if we feel this way that must mean they are the person for us? That must mean we have to win their attention because we would not feel so strongly otherwise? No. Love should never be a chase and ignite obsessive feelings in you.
Unfortunately, many of us will source out these attractions thinking they are what love is when in fact, they are only a result of this type of attraction steering our minds off the side of a cliff. They rarely pan out the way we would like them to, they usually always end up hurting us and it takes a hell of a lot of time to get over them because our reward systems are usually hard-wired into believing this person is a source of reward by the time we are rejected.
They are also extremely damaging to our self-worth and self-esteem because throughout this entire saga we are disregarding what we know is the truth. That they are not that interested in us and we should not be pursuing them. You know it. I can sense the intuition in you telling you that you should not be chasing them. We feel so conflicted because our deeper knowing is butting heads with a craving for the reward.
Did I also mention that our prefrontal cortex, the area which is there to over-power these cravings is inherently weaker than the area that creates the cravings which is why the cravings often win? It is an all-around mess. Unfortunately, many of us allow the craving to take hold and leave it up to them to inevitably decide we are not worth their time. Then we blame them for leading us on. Oh god.
Leaving These Attractions Behind
I am telling you now that these attractions are a waste of time. If someone is not showing up the way you would like them to or if someone is not committing to you and that is what you want, you are setting yourself up for hurt. You are setting yourself up for emotional dysregulation, confusion, and pain. Because here is the reality of the situation; if they truly wanted you, they would be meeting you halfway. They would be having the conversations and showing that they care. Not in sporadic drips that only just quench your thirst but ultimately leave you wanting the ocean, but in the way you want. In an inspirational way. Ken Page has faith these are the route to your happiness in relationships. Not those that deprive you but those that inspire you.
“I really believe, and I want to share with you, that the great secret to finding love, the great secret, right here, lies in choosing and cultivating only your attractions of inspiration”
Long-lasting relationships are built on two individuals who can meet each other halfway, who can commit to one another, and respect each other enough to not lead each other on. Attractions of inspiration leave you feeling inspired, leave you feeling whole, and leave you feeling seen. If you are feeling like you are not being seen and your worth is not being met then let them go. I can truly tell you that in doing so, you will be better off as a result. Self-worth and self-esteem are built on the actions you take. As James Clear states;
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become”
Leaving an attraction of deprivation behind is ultimately doing something good for yourself that will be reflected in your self-worth. It is realizing that you are in an unhealthy position and choosing what is best for you. Knowing what your wants and needs are and choosing them. Not handing them over to someone else to maybe, just maybe, fulfill them. The writing is there on the wall. You just have to make the right choice.