A Recovering Hopeless Romantic? Don’t Be Shameful, This Is A Gift!
If you’re a reader of my blog you’ll notice a common theme in my writing. Whilst I see other bloggers direct their focus onto others, “How to get an XYZ person (usually an avoidant) to love you”, being a frequent title I see, I try and focus on what we have control over: Our thoughts, feelings and actions.
We can try and make others love us all we want but it is who we are, and how we present ourselves, which ultimately decides who we entertain and allow to stay in our life.
I take pride in taking responsibility for who I am and who I match with, and believe the work we do on ourselves will naturally attract the people we desire.
“Realtionships are mirrors”, as the saying goes.
With this comes the necessary work of having awareness of our emotions and behaviors, and making the necessary changes to facilitate healthier relationships.
As a recovering hopeless romantic who fell in love easily and often for the wrong people, it has meant coming to terms with some hard-truths, like how I confused anxiety for love, how I’ve prioritised chaos over peace, and how I’ve ignored red flags and the totality of who someone presented themselves to be out of a need to chase and be chosen.
When we’re beginning to recognise uncomfortable truths about ourselves, it can be easy to shame ourselves for how we’ve learned to seek out love and behave in love. If you are are self-critical person, this shame-inducing experience can be habitual. It’s what we do on instinct.
“Why can’t we just be like other people?” We think to ourselves. Others seem to have it easier.
For a time I did shame myself. I didn’t want to be the person who felt a lot. My feelings had gotten me in to trouble, so I guess discarding them and becoming closed off would be better.
Only, it wasn’t my ability to feel that was the true problem: It was how I managed my feelings and where I allowed them to lead me which caused me harm.
When you first embark on trauma work it’s natural to think the qualities you possess are in some way harmful or ill-serving but true transformation doesn’t come in changing your appearance, it comes in accepting what is a part of you.
There’s a question here about what qualities of us are authentically ours and what has come as a result of trauma. I don’t know the answer, and maybe it’s somewhere in the middle; maybe we are both, but I know from trying to change myself that trying to completely change my makeup — whether trauma-induced or not — is difficult.
For whatever reason I am a deeply feeling person. When I love, I can love hard.
These qualities aren’t necessarily bad, though they have led me to harm in the past.
Two things can exist at one time and our weakness can also be hidden core gifts. What healing is for me is finding a way to transform one into the other.
For example, being a deep feeler is now one of my greatest strengths.
There are some lyrics by one of my favorite bands Muna that really resonate with what I’m speaking of here. The song goes:
“Used to wear my sadness like a chocker,
Yeah, it had me by the throat
Tonight I feel I’m draped in it
Like a loose garment, I just let it flow” Loose Garment, Muna
If you’re a hopeless romantic, growth doesn’t come with shunning your ability to love and feel deeply. Growth also doesn’t come with saying, “This is just who I am”, and allowing your feelings to drag you in to hopeless situations.
No, growth comes with understanding how and why your ability to feel deeply has led you to trouble, and learning to manage those feelings in a way that they can be gifts and not curses.
I can be a deep feeler and not allow a worthiness wound to make me chase unavailable people. You can be a deep feeler and learn to love securely. What a gift that is. We need more people in touch with their emotions.
Thank you for reading this article. To keep up to date with my articles, YouTube videos and my daily ramblings, subscribe here.