3 Ways to Identify Pedestalling, and How To Stop
The Habit That Ruins Relationships
Pedestalling in dating refers to the conscious, or unconscious, process of viewing our loveunder overly-favorable lights. It’s seeing them as 100 on a scale of 1–10; as some entity that is somehow more than we are.
And I say entity here rather than a person as in the process of pedestalling we’ll often disregard or completely forget someone’s “human-like” qualities — as if they have no flaws or “negative” traits. In comparison, we’ll overinflate our own negative-self judgments, creating an often unhealthy pull that pushes us to win their love as a means to validate ourselves.
The origination of pedestalling can come through several means. Maybe you highly value love and want it so badly that any and every connection is something you need. Due to this, you’ll disregard the reasons you shouldn’t be with someone in order to keep the connection alive. After all, if you admitted to an incompatibility, you’d have to leave that connection behind; abandoning a deep desire of yours to find love.
This blindness to incompatibility may also be driven by low self-worth which pushes you to try and win someone’s affection, even if they aren’t a good match for you, as previously mentioned. You may also learn to pedestal during childhood, by patterns exhibited by those around you. Insecure attachment styles can be inherited in this way, or result from trauma.
Critically, you may be pedestalling as a way of temporarily passing the blame for your unhappiness onto someone else. “I’m not happy because I don’t have this person in my life”, “If only they’d choose me” you may say, whilst disregarding the fact that happiness can be found within you, and you only.
Whatever the case, there is rarely a situation where pedestalling pays off. You only have to look at the hierarchies within society to see how these structures can lead to mistreatment, as is the same with romantic relationships.
Once patterns of pedestalling have formed, it can be extremely difficult to bring ourselves back to the center. Though it can be done, it’s best to know the signs and symptoms sooner rather than later before we tangle ourselves — save our relationships, and us, taking the hit.
With that in mind, here are 3 signs of pedestalling, and how to stop.
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1. Excessive Fantasy
It’s normal to think about your crush or to even fantasize about them during the dating process but if this becomes excessive, there is a problem.
This is especially true if there is no relationship yet, or if the person is unavailable. For example, maybe they’ve told you that they’re not looking for a relationship, and yet you continue to think over the 101 ways you two would be great together, or how amazing the last time you saw each other was, or how explosive the sex was.
When we’re in the habit of pedestalling, we put the blinkers on, which is an issue as it leads us to ignore red flags — more on this later. Fantasy can act as a sort of band-aid for the reality we’re experiencing; taking the edge off the pain we’d otherwise experience if we were in the real world and seeing the person for who they really are.
To know if you’re fantasizing about someone, bring awareness to how often you’re caught in thoughts about this person. We can’t hope to change anything unless we have an awareness of the pattern.
When you find yourself caught in thought, it’s also good to question your daydreams. Are they rooted in reality? As I said, it’s fine to fantasize about a future with someone, but only if there is a real foundation to it. Are your fantasies reflective of how this person truly is? If you’re finding yourself overinflating small moments, or hyper-focusing on small qualities, this is a critical sign you’re in a habit of pedestalling.
The Way Out
Each time you catch yourself fantasizing about them, stop yourself and divert your attention elsewhere, reminding yourself of their true qualities. Write a list, if you need to, of all the reasons you shouldn’t be fantasizing about them. This may hurt to do, as you’ll have to take notice of your reality, but it’s essential in reconfiguring your habit of pedestalling. Remember: Your reality never lies.
2. Ignoring Red Flags
Ignoring red flags occurs in any area of our life where we observe something that should evoke caution in us but doesn’t — or it does, and we override that intuitive sense with reasons as to why our observations aren’t correct.
Red flags can look like signs of disinterest such as refusals to commit, emotional distance or vacancy, refusals to make consistent plans, disrespect, rudeness, or negligence towards our boundaries. They can be verbal, or non-verbal and are often picked up by those around us — like our friends, when we ourselves lack the perspective to see them.
When we pedestal somoene we’ll naturally avoid red flags because seeing them for who they really are would mean knocking them off the very pedestal we’ve placed them on.
If you’re in a habit of pedestalling, it's likely you’re deflecting someone's red flags through various means. Be it fantasizing alternate outcomes, not listening to friends' concerns, or your own intuition that’s telling you something is wrong.
The Way Out
In order to break your spell of pedestalling we have to begin paying attention to clear red flags. Listen to your intuition, and how someone is actually making you feel. Listen to your friends, who might be seeing things from a different perspective.
Sometimes it’s difficult to see things clearly with the magnifying glass so close to our problems. Take some time away from the situation, allow your emotions to settle, and make judgments from a space of mental clarity. In order for us to see red flags for what they are, we have to be grounded in reality — which means frequent reality checks.
3. Habits of Negative Comparison
It’s impossible to pedestal someone without placing ourselves a few rungs below them. In some way, we seem that as MORE than us; be they more visually attractive, talented, or otherwise more valuable than us.
This dynamic between us and them is what can keep us vying for their attention and love because for them to choose us, it must mean we ourselves are X,Y,or Z, because they are.
This is where low self-worth ties into the pedestalling and where these dynamics can become traps filled with addictive highs and lows. If we manage to win their affection, then we feel great, but if we’re being ignored or mistreated — which can often be the case in these scenarios — then we’ll feel low, anxious, or depressed.
Ironically, our low moods can then push us to try and win them over MORE to heal the pain we’re experiencing. This is where problems truly arise as we begin to see them as saviors of our pain when in reality, they’re just humans, and only we can help ourselves.
The Way Out
Become aware of how you’ve related yourself to this person. Do you see them as more attractive, talented, or otherwise valuable than yourself? In their absence, either emotionally or physically, are you feeling unworthy of yourself? If this is the case, your worth is likely tied to them.
Remember that you have value outside of this relationship and that for all of the great qualities they may have — inflated, or not —, you too have great qualities, and you need to remember them. Remind yourself regularly why YOU and not them are worthy and choosable. Because you are.
Final Thoughts
Pedestalling is something we all do from one extreme to another. In a society that is built upon hierarchies and patriarchies that tell us subconsciously who to value and who to not, it’s no wonder it is our instinct.
But doing so only leads to more problems than solutions. These are only a few points but be sure to check out similar articles of mine for more insights on relationships and personal development.
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