3 Signs My Disorganised Attachment Style Is Flaring Up
Without Awareness, Each Day Will Feel Like Being Stuck In A Washing Machine Going Round and Round with No Control
It takes a lot of work to heal from an insecure attachment style.
When our traumas are deep-rooted — as is often the case with disorganised attachment — triggers, and life’s challenges can throw us back into the throes of our disorganised patterns.
Which is why being aware of the signs that our disorganisation is flaring up is essential. Without recognising our patterns and their causes, we risk running through the same relationships with the same type of people, doing the same thing, time and time again.
To that, I wanted to write a list of some of the signs that my disorganised attachment style is flaring up.
Some of these might ring true to you; others may not.
Disorganised attachment styles are complex, so read this with an open mind and consider what disorganisation might look like for you.
I Feel Unsure Of Myself
At the core of disorganised attachment is uncertainty. It's not just about being unsure if someone else might hurt us or if we might hurt them, but also about being uncertain about our own identity.
When my disorganisation is flaring up, it’s like my value system goes out the window. I find it difficult to remember who I am and what I stand for. In these moments, I’m led by my emotions and anxieties, which is a problem for disorganised individuals as they’re prone to conflicting emotions.
For example, I might pull someone close, because I’m afraid of being alone, and then push them away because I’m scared of being close to them (a classic disorganised pattern). I might start a conversation on a dating app, but then never reply. I might ask a friend if they want to hang out, and then say I don’t want to.
Without a clear understanding of oneself: knowledge of what is right or wrong for us and what we should or shouldn't do, our emotions may run unchecked and influence our behaviours. If you grew up in an environment where your source of comfort was also a source of great pain, where does that lead?
Confusion, uncertainty and a great deal of internal conflict as to what is safe and what is not.
It’s important when I feel unsure not to make rash decisions and impulsively follow my emotions.
Better to wait until I have more clarity — which often requires time and self-care to find.
2. I’m Too Stressed and Burning Out
Those of us with disorganised attachment styles have a difficult time managing stress. One paper I read theorised that disorganised attachment styles are born from the breakdown of our stress response - something I have written about before in more detail, if you’d like to explore that tidbit some more.
The difficulty I have managing stress is a major reason why I struggle to remain consistent when I’m in a relationship or dating someone. When my disorganised attachment style is flaring up, I’ll doubt my safety around others and in my own skin - creating a paradox of stress responses.
One stress response pushes me towards others, and the other pushes me away. When neither side brings the comfort the anxiety says it will, my stress levels and chronic indecision can reach a breaking point, shutting me down completely.
This shutdown — known as a freeze response — can look like:
Closing off emotionally and stonewalling your partner and your friends.
Physically withdrawing from the world — and spending your week in your bed.
Dissociating from yourself and those around you leaves you feeling apathetic and emotionless.
Seeking unhealthy distractions to lose yourself in.
It’s really important when we feel ourselves shutting down to address the excess stress. This can look like:
Taking a short break away from the stressor.
Setting healthy boundaries with others to protect yourself.
Prioritising self-care and practices that promote relaxation, peace of mind, and personal growth.
Having a coach/therapist to discuss said stressors with.
3. I‘m Feeding Into Unhealthy Beliefs
Beneath an insecure attachment style will be limiting beliefs that keep your attachment patterns alive. For disorganised individuals, these beliefs can take various forms. For me, it can look like feeling I’m not capable of holding love and that I’ll sabotage it.
These beliefs erode our self-worth when fed into. When my disorganisation is flaring up, I’ll neglect my self-care, becoming pessimistic and self-critical. I become self-absorbed, lost in my mind and distant from the world around me. This has obvious implications for close relationships and my own psychological health.
It’s important then for me to recognise this tendency to be self-critical and overthink as a sign that my disorganisation is flaring up. I can do the work to build myself up, but if I spend too much time in my head feeding into limiting beliefs, I’ll quickly break myself down again, and my disorganised traits will start to rear their head.
And anyway, I’ve come to realise my tendency to self-analyse and brood over negative emotions is its own trauma-response.
I could spend hours trying to figure out why I feel a certain way, or what the answer is, and be no closer to an answer; only further away from the ones I love.
I try to be as aware as I can as to when I’m ruminating on my psychological health. Am I counterbalancing this with practices that build me up, or am I just spending hours breaking myself down and then wondering why I don’t feel good, or why I feel so unstable around others?
Awareness is key.
Thank you for reading this article today. My name is Joe, and I have been writing about personal growth and relationships for 5 years, unpacking my troubles and learning to meet myself with grace and compassion.
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