1 Must-Read Red Flag When Dating
Photograph by Arthur Brognoli on Pexels
When dating, it’s important to take note of the potential red flags we see. “People unfold” as Natalie Lu says, and whilst we can’t know everything about someone from one date — their true intentions included — we can still spot potential incompatibilities and/or warning signs (yellow or red flags).
In fact, it’s crucial we do. If you’re a reader of my blog, and are on the quest to finding healthier and more secure relationships, I imagine you’ve felt the brunt of overlooking red flags in the past.
How many of us can say that a part of us sensed a potential problem way before it became a connection ending issue? I know I can. If you’re someone who has a habit of ignoring their intuition, then I can bet you have examples, too.
When we ignore our inner guidance that says, “Hmm that thing they said or did doesn’t sit right with me”, we risk problems down the road.
Each one of us have our own boundaries and our own ideas of what is ok and what is not not but I feel confident in saying that this one red flag is worth calling out or running for the hills when seen…
The Red Flag: When A Date Discredits Your Authentic Passions & Hobbies
I don’t have time for people who are quick to judge and dismiss my passions from day 1.
And by that I don’t mean a curious, “That’s interesting, why is that?” that might challenge me to back up my beliefs and interests. I’m talking about statements that look like, “That’s weird, why would you do that?”, or “People who like that sort of stuff annoy me”, or “That’s cringey”, or any version of outright egoic rejection.
This isn’t me wanting to be surrounded by YES people, but I’ve found it’s the people who are open and curious are better partners.
This is especially true if you are someone who has a difficult time sticking up for their own thoughts/feelings & beliefs. As someone who has had a habit of self-abandoning in relationships in the past, such authentic rejection has only led me to withdraw from my own hobbies and even shapeshifting into liking theirs.
When we are battling to be more expressive, it’s important we are around people who can accept us for who we are and even champion these parts of us. It doesn’t need to look like someone blowing gass up our a**, but again, it’s the openess in thought that counts.
When I started to write about personal growth I was afraid what others might think, especially the people I dated, but soon found that the partners for me were the ones who thought my work was interesting, or even said it was an attractive quality of mine. In past times, I know for a fact some of the people I dated would have scoffed at me and I’d have had no hope for entering that connection authentically as a result.
But let’s speak about these dismissive individuals more and why it’s so imperative we either call them out or no longer entertain the connection.
Fixed Mindsets & Egoic Defensiveness
People who struggle being authentic will naturally feel uncomfortable with other peoples authentic expression.
The difference between someone who struggles with authentic expression but is willing to grow and someone who is not is that the former can recognise, “This person enjoys this thing, and that’s great” and feel inspired by them, whilst the latter tries to put them down or walks away.
I recently met up with a friend who had been dating someone for some time. She’d just done her first Tedtalk and not only did the guy not show up to a career defining moment of hers, but he soon ended the relationship, citing “He couldn’t do this” and that “Things just weren’t working”.
The only conclusion we could come to was that he was in some way threatened by the steps she was taking to becoming a successful, authentic woman in charge of her own destiny. He had a business that was failing, and rather than be inspired by her, he decided to walk away, rejecting her in the process.
Though painful to see the situationship end, my friend can at least recognise that this person was not the person for her. In her own growth, what good is to be with someone who can’t recognise her talent and gifts?
Some might take this rejection to mean a part of them is bad, reinforcing old wounds, but we need to take it as a sign that some people just aren’t ready to meet our authentic selves with care, compassion and love.
In a world where authentic expression is shunned, you should want and even aspire to be with people who at the very least understand you and at best, are inspired by you — and you, them! It’s why one of my favourite dating psychologists, Ken Page’s advises to always follow what he calls “Attractions of Inspiration”.
Our partners should uplift and inspire us to be better, not just through acceptance of who we are but also by displaying a commitment to their own selves.
It’s never too soon to recognise when someone is putting us down.
Whilst we can’t always tell how someone thinks/feels about us on the first date, we can test the waters by expressing a passion of ours and seeing how they respond.
Do they respond with genuine interest, curiosity and acceptance, or do they dismiss it?
I’m sure you could argue that we can help these individuals grow, but without being cutthroat about it, I don’t have time to convince people that what I do is something that I have a right to enjoy. A
When we ignore someone’s authentic dismissiveness, we set the stage for a relationship where we play small rather than big.