Last weekend I pushed myself beyond a limit I know I shouldn’t have crossed.
Prior to that, I was doing so well. I was focusing on my health, my gym routine was going great, I was starting to practice Yoga, I had a consistent bedtime practice where I was reading and minimising screen time, which was benefiting my sleep. I was getting back into my forgotten practice of daily meditation, and reaping the benefits from that.
I was making time for things that made me feel good and healthy and as a result everything else was falling into line. I was writing consistently, I was more active on my socials, and was feeling inspired.
Even work was going well. Rather than finding it monotonous and spending my day clock-watching, I found myself actually wanting to go to my day job — and making good progress in it as I did.
Mind, body, and spirit I felt great — and life rewarded me for the investment I was putting into all that areas.
Until I went for a drink with a friend last Saturday.
You see, internally, I knew I didn’t want it to escalate. A bottle of wine down and cocktails on order at the restaurant, a voice deep inside me was SCREAMING “NO” as my friend spoke about potentially meeting others to continue the night.
I tried holding out, because by now I should know how bad this ends, but as the alcohol took affect so went with it the boundaries I knew I should be keeping with myself.
Next thing you know I’m out until the early hours, that intuitive voice that told me I know better now lost as I pretend like tomorrow doesn’t come.
But it does, as always, and then I fell sick.
My routine was ruined, I had to take days off work, I re-favoured my phone over reading, my inspiration was lost — and with it my desire to write.
Rather than spend time connecting with myself through meditation or yoga, I now wanted to disconnect from myself entirely — no less because my anxiety was higher and work once again felt monotonous.
Now a week on, still feeling the effects of the cold I had through the enlarged lymph node on the right side of my neck, all I can think about is how I knew better.
That voice inside of me was trying to look out for me; a voice disregarded in an act of self-abandonment.
I chose not to listen to myself, and with that the Universe was forced to tell me instead.
The Ways We Abandon Ourselves and The Ways We Pay The Price
There are endless ways we can ignore our intuition, and endless ways the Universe can relay it back. Maybe you don’t have a problem with social drinking but you might ignore red flags when dating someone new. Instead of calling these red flags out for what they are, you let them slide, only to find yourself heartbroken or disappointed when your inclinations are proven right.
Or you don’t have a problem with social drinking or ignoring red flags when dating, but you’re ignoring an inner sense that the career you’re in isn’t right for you. Maybe you were taught to disregard your authentic desires in favour of someone else's, only to find yourself dissatisfied and unfulfilled.
If you’re like me, you might find yourself ignoring yourself in all those areas. We’re in a habit of ignoring ourselves in favour of something (a substance) or someone else (a lover, a family member, friends, influencers on social media, even).
You may not think one night out isn’t a big deal. Sure, I’ll feel better and pick myself up, but at some point I’d like to stop the pendulum-swing. Why work to feel good only to throw it all away?
It’s tiresome living in a push and pull with your unhealthy choices — which is essentially a push and pull between what you know is best for you and what is not.
You get fed up.
Only many of us get so fed up that we give up on ourselves entirely. Rather than wrestle with the voice and , we shut it out. We dissociate from this voice so that we can keep drinking, so we can keep dating the unhealthy partners and can keep working until we can’t no more. We either we get seriously sick, or hurt, or make bad choices that hurt others to a point where we’re forced to wake up.
I hope that won’t be me or you, either.
Work out a strategy on how to overcome this. For me, that looks like setting hard-boundaries with what I can and can’t do. Someone wants to go for a drink on a Saturday night? I’m not going to and if I do, I’m not drinking. If that doesn’t work, then other boundaries may need to be set, like seeking help or guidance from a trusted professional.
I’ll keep you posted on my progress, but what of yours? Where are you ignoring a deeper knowing in your life, and is the Universe trying to teach you a lesson through your subsequent experiences?
If so, it’s time to get real.